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Laugh Lines

Punch lines

August 22, 1996

In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on the new minimum wage law being signed into law: "It was a touching moment, although sort of annoying. I got caught in a drive-through lane during the employee's moment of silence."

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: "It will initially go up 50 cents an hour. That's five dimes for those of you who work for Kathie Lee."

Jay Leno, on Ross Perot asking for campaign donations from the American people: "For $15, you can join Perot's national organization and think like him. Or for $8, you can go to Supercuts and just look like him."

David Letterman, on Bill Clinton helping rebuild a church in Tennessee: "Chelsea helped put down the floors, President Clinton was working on the roof and Hillary shredded the blueprints."

Jerry Perisho, on Bob Dole's "bounce" in the polls: "Research shows that there hasn't been a GOP presidential candidate bounce like this since Gerald Ford tripped getting off Air Force One."

* Adds Alan Ray: "Some credit Dole's bounce to his reaching out to minority Republicans. Those making under $300,000 a year."

Cutler, on Consumer Reports' claims that Acura SLXs and Isuzu Troopers can roll over on quick turns: "Thank goodness Jack Kemp wasn't driving one when he switched positions on immigration."

Bob Mills, on Dennis Rodman's "engagement": "Friends say it was very romantic. He got down on one knee and presented her with a ring. She just wishes that he had removed it from his nostril first."

*

Among the Top 10 things overheard at President Clinton's 50th birthday party, according to Letterman:

* "It's time to play pin the subpoena on Hillary."

* "Is that his age or his pants size?"

* "Thank God there's no lamp shade here big enough to fit Ted Kennedy's head."

* "He just finished cake number one--wheel out the backup!"

*

Miss (Expanding) Universe, Part II: Alicia Machado has been ordered to lose 27 pounds or give up her throne:

* "Officials should have suspected something when she chose pie eating for the talent contest." (Cutler)

* "Officials said they simply suggested that it might not kill Miss Universe to drop a galaxy or two." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Alicia's idea of a cheesecake pose is her eating one." (Hy Faber)

*

Reader A.S. of Tarzana says her daughter-in-law received a phone call from the teacher of her 6-year-old daughter, advising her that she had sent home a note to be signed and returned, because the child had been disrupting the class. It seems the young offender had taken matters into her own hands and returned the note signed:

"Mom."

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