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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

August 30, 1996

Say good night, Dick: Top White House political advisor Dick Morris hastily resigned Thursday after his affair with a $200-an-hour prostitute was reported. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "On hearing the news, President Clinton said, 'That's crazy! How's he gonna pay her now?' "

* "Morris' personal sexual habits have nothing to do with the president's, according to White House Deputy Press Secretary Heidi Fleiss." (Bob Mills)

In Chicago, Clinton gave a speech that was inspiring if a bit too calculating. Says Argus Hamilton, "If he had addressed the Continental Congress in 1776, he would have said 'Give me liberty . . . and we'll see how it polls.' "

What a convention it was, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "They dropped balloons . . . confetti . . . all references to Hillary's health plan. . . ."

Clinton proposed a literacy drive to ensure that all kids learn to read by third grade. Says Mills, "Or, for those on college football scholarships, by their junior year."

* Adds Jenny Church, "At least he didn't ask voters to read his lips."

Hillary says it takes a village to raise a child. Bob Dole says it takes a family. Says the Olympia Daily World, "The way kids are today, I think they're being raised by the Village People and the Manson Family."

Dole is vacationing in Santa Barbara. Says Alan Ray, "He's working on his game plan for the next four years: Shuffleboard in '97, bridge in '98, bingo in '99, mah-jongg in 2000."

Jay Leno says the people he feels most sorry for in this campaign are the Secret Service agents guarding Ross Perot. "You train all your life to be on the lookout for that one lone nut . . . and then you realize he's the candidate."


In the news: The Pentagon admits it's known for years that Gulf War troops were exposed to toxic chemicals, though it waited until now to tell them. Colin Powell says he doesn't recall hearing about it. Says Cutler, "See? The man is a natural born politician."

A Tokyo mother is accused of helping her son bury the body of a teenage girlfriend he killed. Says Cutler, "That's why their teenagers do better than ours: More parental involvement."

TV's Lois and Clark will wed this fall. Says Steve Voldseth, "It's your typical Hollywood 'boy meets girl, boy drops girl, boy catches girl before she hits the pavement' story."

Actor Jimmy Smits of "NYPD Blue" is reportedly being stalked by a fan. Says Leno, "He says he's going to fight that, get rough if he has to. Talk about the Smits hitting the fan. . . ."


Reader Yo Hosozawa says son Robert's family of Brea was loading the van for a weekend trip to Las Vegas. Robert asked son Reed, 4, where they were headed, but Reed couldn't remember. So Dad gave him a hint: "It's where Mommy loves to go."

Reed thought for a moment, then guessed, "Nordstrom?"

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