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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 03, 1996

Four for bridge? Says Tom Andres, "Bob Dole is building a bridge to the past. Bill Clinton is building a bridge to the future. Ross Perot is building a bridge to a parallel universe. Ralph Nader is blowing the lid off all these bridge-building schemes: No competitive bidding, sweetheart deals, shoddy workmanship . . . bridges that will be unsafe for voters at any speed."

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, "If Clinton's first four years are any indication, his new bridge is sure to be over troubled waters."

Ross Perot's supporters have a catchy slogan they love to chant at rallies, says Fuzzbee Morse: "For more ears! For more ears!"

In his big speech, Clinton declared "Hope is back!" Says Joe Kevany, "Bob Hope called and said, 'Hey, wait a minute . . . I'm still a Republican!' "

Says Jerry Perisho, "Dick Morris has been hired to direct the 'Gary Hart for President in 2000' campaign."

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In the news: Alarming news from Nashville: Music industry executives say the popularity of country music is declining. Says Jim Bertram, "Makes sense when you think about it. Eventually, all your fans are either going to pass out drunk, run off with the rodeo or leave you for someone else."

* Adds Jenny Church, "Fewer and fewer songwriters are sufficiently miserable."

New tourism slogans for California, courtesy Buddy Baron:

* "The mudslides put out the fires!"

* "Our gangbangers are really bad shots!"

* "Nine hundred days without a freeway collapse!"

* "Our ocean's too damn cold for hurricanes!"

* "Madonna moved to Miami!"

Says Bill Maher, "The Kennedys have proven that if you stick together as a family, you can get through adversity and tragedy and then make a fortune selling your mom's old crap."

Finnish police are planning to use a harpoon-like device to catch runaway cars. Says Paul Steinberg, "They do have one concern. During tests, one obsessed officer relentlessly pursued a giant white Cadillac across the entire country."

Frank Gifford said he and Kathie Lee might have a third child, adopted this time. Says the Olympia Daily World, "They have to be careful, though. If Kathie Lee has three children in her family, they are eligible to unionize and could strike for guest-appearance wages.

* Adds Church, "If she really wants to care for a noisy bundle that demands constant attention, she could adopt Regis Philbin."

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Reader Paul Kercher of Porterville was talking on the phone with his 8-year-old grandson, and joked that they hadn't seen each other in so long the boy wouldn't recognize him the next time. His reply:

"Oh, yes I will. You have a scar on your stomach, lots of hair on both arms and none on your head."

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