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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 06, 1996

Wild things: The animal-rights group PETA wants the city of Fishkill, N.Y., to change its name to the less-hostile-sounding Fishsave. Says Steve Tatham, "What's next? The Catskill Mountains become the Kittypets? Huntsville, Ala., becomes Nurtureville? Hamburg, Germany, becomes Veggieburg? And Mt. Kilimanjaro . . . kill-a-man, that one's OK--especially if he ever stepped on a bug."

* Adds Bill Williams, "In a related story, militia members want 'Oregon' changed to 'Oregun.' "

*

In the news: Never doubt the genius of Dick Morris, says Argus Hamilton. "Any man who can get caught with a hooker one week and appear on the cover of Time with his forgiving wife the next week has what we in Los Angeles call 'good people skills.' "

Morris has already signed a huge book deal. Says Steve Voldseth, "They're going to call it 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating.' "

* "The book will be just like Dick. . . . It'll have a jacket but no pants." (Hy Faber)

* "Morris' wife is also writing a book, about how they healed their relationship. The title will be 'It Takes a Porsche.' " (Faber)

Three presidential debates are planned. Says Alan Ray, "For each different stage, the candidates will change positions. And they'll stand differently too."

Members of Hillary Rodham Clinton's fan club presented the first lady with a Hillary doll:

* "Kids probably wouldn't like this doll. It bakes cookies only once every four years and now and then it shreds your homework. But on the plus side, it's able to telepathically summon your lost Barbies." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "Battery of lawyers not included." (Faber)

Louisiana Klansman-turned-politician David Duke is coming to Cal State Northridge to debate racial quotas. Says Hamilton, "He's against them quotas. He believes that every time you put one in a pay phone, you never get yo' nickel back."

* Adds Jenny Church, "He'll discuss which detergent gets your sheets whiter than white."

The Slurpee is 30 years old this week. Says Paul Steinberg, "The tongue of the first customer who ever drank one is just now starting to return to its normal color."

At the party to toast the merger of Staples and Office Depot, says Church, "They brought out the punch--three-hole."

The Hubble Space Telescope has found 18 "star-forming objects" that will probably become a new galaxy. Says Williams, "There hasn't been this much excitement over 'star-forming objects' since Demi Moore got her implants."

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Reader Molly-Ann Leikin of Santa Monica says friend Kristi, 10, was upset with boys. "I asked one out. It took him a whole day plus three hours to get back to me. And then he said no!" Leikin sympathetically explained that men have a Y chromosome that makes them act crazy. Kristi thought for a moment, then asked:

"Can't they take something for it?"

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