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Only in L.A.

September 07, 1996|Steve Harvey

Slam-dunking all the way to the bank:

"Lakers Sign Shaq," said a placard--the type of blurb you see on newspaper racks. Only this placard sat in the back window of a vehicle rumbling through Pasadena--an armored truck.

Which makes sense inasmuch as the Lakers signed Shaquille O'Neal to a seven-year, $120-million contract.

In fact, we forgot to check whether the armored truck was being driven by Shaq.

COME BACK, WOODLAND HILLS! Just when it seemed that the secede-from-L.A. movement had stalled in the San Fernando Valley, Vince Marzo of Glendale found evidence to the contrary. He sent us an American Airlines map indicating that Woodland Hills has moved to Northern California (see excerpt). Didn't even leave a forwarding address.

Perhaps Woodland Hills resettled north of Sacramento because it wanted to be closer to another community in the area--the town of Woodland.

Whatever, Marzo sees no reason to brood.

"I am going to hit the surf at Burbank Beach," he said, referring to a second geographical dislocation on the map.

Orange County appears to be undergoing some changes, too. Laguna Hills has leapfrogged over John Wayne Airport.

We always find it a bit surprising when an airline misplaces an airport.

THE QUAKE DIDN'T KNOCK IT OFFSIDES: Sure, the Coliseum was knocked out of action for several months by the Northridge quake. And the subsequent repair job on the press box section has been questioned by inspectors.

But not to worry about the stadium's structural integrity!

In "Escape from L.A.," a 9.6 quake in the year 2013 levels Mann's Chinese Theatre, the Bonaventure and Beverly Hills hotels, the Capitol Records building and Universal Studios.

But the Coliseum is one of the few landmarks that survives the cinematic shaker. In fact, one stadium scoreboard carries the name "USC"--an indication that movie-makers believe the Trojan football team will still be playing there in the 21st century.

KINGS OF THE ROAD: "Arliss," the topical new HBO series about a high-powered sports agent, aired an episode in which Arliss is secretly asked by the owner of the Los Angeles Kings to negotiate the hockey team's move to a different city.

The owner is a female who--in a sort of mixed sports metaphor--resembles Georgia Frontiere, the boss of the St. Louis Rams football team, formerly of L.A.

Arliss canvasses several prospective homes for the Kings, including Las Vegas, where a casino owner offers to build an arena on top of a skyscraper. The casino man, sitting in his office, points out that Vegas has potential arena attractions no other town could offer.

On cue, a door opens, admitting several skating dancers who are swinging hockey sticks. Oh, yes, they're also topless.


In the Department of Redundancy Dept., Norma Greene of Rancho Palos Verdes found a sign directed at one type of pedestrian--the walking type (see photo).

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