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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 12, 1996

In living color: Winners and losers will soon emerge from the new TV season, says Steve Tatham. "Who said the colors don't change in Hollywood in the fall? Faces will soon be turning red with embarrassment and green with envy."

You can tell fall is finally starting to arrive in Southern California, says Jay Leno. "When you look at the forest fires now, the flames are that darker hue of orange."


In the news: The Star reported that Dick Morris told his prostitute pal that Hillary Clinton was behind the FBI files at the White House scandal, says Bill Maher. "And if you can't believe a campaign manager, a supermarket tabloid and a hooker, who can you believe?"

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Morris later told a House committee he doesn't personally know if she was involved after all. At the White House, you can hear Hillary going, 'Good doggy, good doggy.' "

Even Ross Perot has been captured by this "family values" thing, says Argus Hamilton. "He just picked Mr. French to be his running mate."

Pollsters have a nickname for Dole campaign headquarters, says Stan Kaplan: "The Department of Voter Miracles."

The Texas mom who planned a murder to help her daughter make the cheerleading squad has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "To announce their verdict, the jurors formed a pyramid and chanted, 'Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do we incarcerate?' "

* Adds Cutler, "Gimme a J! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an L! What's that spell? TV movies!"

According to a new book about the Simpson trial, both Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro initially believed O.J. was guilty. "Until," says Rudolph J. Cecerra, "they remembered that 'he's rich and we're lawyers.' "

* Adds Colleen Guthrie, "Did you hear? The Florida Orange Juice Growers Assn. offered O.J. $1 million to change his name to 'Snapple.' "

In Massachusetts, a group of 80 golfers fanned out across a golf course to set a Guinness record by playing 18 holes in 9 minutes and 28 seconds:

* "Halfway into the fifth minute, the marshal cautioned them for slow play." (Bob Mills)

* "When one guy arrived home with his clubs 10 minutes after he'd left, his wife demanded, 'Well, what's your excuse this time?' " (Mills)

Madonna's baby is due in four weeks. Says Alan Ray, "Doctors haven't ruled out delivery by caesarean--or, as they call it, the road less taken."


When reader Suzanne Lutter of Yorba Linda visited her grandchildren in Colorado, she often would sleep in one of the kids' beds. But on her most recent trip, a new futon had been purchased for her. Not knowing this, she asked grandson Travis, 5, if she could sleep in his bed. He exclaimed:

"No, Grandma, you're going to sleep on the crouton!"

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