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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 13, 1996

Don't look now . . . but it's Friday the 13th. Says Hy Faber, "I saw a guy this morning with a horseshoe, a four-leaf clover and a rabbit's foot. I said, 'I don't think it's going to help, Mr. Dole.' "

* Adds Kenny Noble, "Saddam Hussein can count on seven years of bad luck if a black Stealth crosses his path today."

*

Campaign Trail Mix: Hollywood's brightest stars planned a big Democratic fund-raiser Thursday night. Says Faber, "The highlight was Barbra Streisand singing 'People Who Need Welfare.' "

The Commission on Presidential Debates is deciding whether to include long-shot candidates in this year's debates. Says Argus Hamilton, "Based on the latest polls, only two faces qualify to go on camera. Those would be Bill Clinton's."

The publisher of the hit song "Soul Man" wants the Dole campaign to quit using it as "Dole Man."

* "The campaign will switch to the more appropriate 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.' " (Bob Mills)

* "Or maybe 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' . . . or 'This Old Man' . . . or 'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes' . . . or 'The Impossible Dream.' " (Steve Tatham)

* "The campaign got a double dose of bad news when Snoop Doggy Dogg demanded that Dole stop referring to his running mate as his 'way dope li'l homie.' " (Alex Pearlstein)

*

In the news: Assemblyman Pete Knight, author of California's bill outlawing same-sex marriage, concedes that his own son is gay. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "What, Pete, too cheap to spring for a rehearsal dinner?"

* Adds Shep Shepherd, "I was talking with my father about same-sex marriages. He said it was nothing new. . . . 'Your mother and I have been having the same sex for 40 years.' "

O.J. says his kids are being robbed of the black experience by living with their grandparents down in Orange County. Says Hamilton, "He wants to move them home to Brentwood. That way the black experience is only 10 miles away."

Astronomers say new research suggests that half of the stars may have planets. Says Cutler, "The other half are calling their agents demanding to know why they don't have their own planets."

A study says half of all adolescents don't get enough exercise. Says Alan Ray, "The outlook is gloomy. If they continue their bad habits, they'll grow up to be adults."

About the new TV season, Cutler says, " 'Must-See TV'? How about, 'Must See TV, Must Aim at TV, Must Fire Repeatedly at TV.' "

*

Reader Mary Weingart of Marina del Rey took her 4-year-old grandson to a coffee shop for breakfast. He ordered pancakes and a glass of chocolate milk with a straw. The cheerful waitress asked him if he would like a booster seat. He thought for a moment, then replied:

"Well, that depends on how long the straw is."

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