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Punch Lines

September 16, 1996

Anything you can do . . . The Dole campaign fired advisor Roger Stone after tabloids reported he and his wife ran sexual want ads seeking other partners:

* "That's how square Republicans are--even when they have a sex scandal, it's with their wives." (Bill Maher)

* "Can you remember when a 'Republican foursome' meant Bridge?" (Jay Leno)

* "Stone doesn't know why they're all upset. They told him to go after the swing vote." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Dick Morris was more of a typical Democrat--just throw money at the problem." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "That book Morris is writing will be called 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From the Yellow Pages.' " (Kaseberg)


In the news: It's said that Ross Perot's running mate, Pat Choat, will be the mouthpiece for the team. Says Bill Williams, "Sort of like Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy in reverse."

The family of Unabomber suspect Ted Kascynski told "60 Minutes" they considered trying to get him committed in 1991. Says the Olympia Daily World, "It's just that he made their Fourth of July get-togethers so much fun."

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Why '60 Minutes'? Something about that tick-tick-tick at the beginning makes them feel at home."

Actor Robert Downey Jr. pleaded no contest to drug charges and will be sentenced in November. Says Bob Mills, "His lawyer predicts he'll be given credit for time served and for his excellent performance in 'Chaplin.' "

A researcher claims to have proved that Edgar Allen Poe's death in 1849 was not caused by alcoholism, but by rabies. Says Alan Ray, "It's understandable why it would take 147 years to determine the cause of death. He was in an HMO."

* Adds Hamilton, "The coroner at the time ruled it was 'hair of the dog.' "

There was a new twist at the Miss America Pageant on Saturday, says Cutler. "To give it a more '90s flavor, they added a lawsuit competition."

Scientists say a certain chemical sharply reduces the appetite. Says Jenny Church, "It is produced in the brain in response to liver or Brussels sprouts."

Anna Nicole Smith reportedly plans to write her autobiography. Says Cutler, "It'll be called 'A Tale of Two . . . ' oh, never mind."

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, "It will tell how a poor, small-town Texas girl became a rich widow virtually overnight. So far, about all she has is the title: 'Boo!!' "

The San Diego Zoo is trying to get two pandas to procreate. Says Ray, "Zookeepers say the process is actually quite similar to that of humans. Afterward, they don't talk."


Reader Mark Winitsky of Los Angeles says on the the way to a swimming party at a home in posh Holmby Hills, 7-year-old Halley Kutak looked around at the oversized houses and observed:

"The people here must be really poor . . . after buying these houses."

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