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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 19, 1996

Talk about a leap . . . After dating for nearly 60 years, Clark Kent and Lois Lane will finally marry.

* "The world is wondering if Superman can adjust to married life. Up to now, his biggest challenge has been coming back from the dead." (Argus Hamilton)

* "He proposed during a weak moment. She spiked his margarita with Kryptonite." (Hy Faber)

* "You can't blame Lois for being reluctant. How many women would be willing to marry a guy who keeps a red cape and blue tights in his closet?" (Faber)

* "Hey, he's the Man of Steel, he can make diamonds out of a lump of coal and her in-laws are on another planet. What more could a woman want?" (Jay Leno)

*

In the news: Bob Dole campaigned in L.A. this week. Says Hamilton, "He doesn't really come here for the votes. It's the only place that will give you collagen shots and not tell everybody."

Congress has subpoenaed the diaries of Dick Morris' call girl. Says Leno, "A prostitute going before Congress. . . . Well, at least she'll get a jury of her peers."

They're not going to let Ross Perot into the presidential debates. Says Bill Maher, "As a consolation, they've hired him to warm up the crowd."

A National Transportation Safety Board study shows that most children use the wrong restraints or car seats for their age, height and weight. Asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, "At what age does the trunk become a viable option?"

Michael Lasky, founder of the Psychic Friends Network, offered $500,000 to buy Eddie Murray's 500th home-run ball from the fan who caught it. Says Cutler, "If his psychics were any good, wouldn't they have told Lasky when and where Eddie was going to hit it?"

*

This old flick: The oldest surviving American feature film, "Richard III," has been discovered in a basement in Oregon:

* "It was made in 1912 and according to Hollywood accountants it still hasn't gone into profits." (Faber)

* "It's so old, the trailer still has a horse attached." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "It's so old, when it came out Siskel & Ebert still had their thumbs in their mouths." (Faber)

* "It stars Shakespearean actor Frederick C. Warde and the 433rd incarnation of Shirley MacLaine." (Pearlstein)

* "The picture hasn't seen the light of day for 84 years because it's been in development at Disney." (Faber)

*

Reader Ken Narasaki of Santa Monica overheard daughter Rosie, 5, telling neighbor Dash King, 6, "I'm Japanese American." Obviously grasping the idea of ancestral homelands, Dash replied:

"Well, I'm San Francisco American."

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