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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 20, 1996

Bob Dole leaned too far over a flimsy fake railing and fell off a stage. Meanwhile, President Clinton spoke at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Says Argus Hamilton, "It could have been worse. Dole could have been at the Grand Canyon."

* "He was shaken but not hurt. Just like after San Diego, the bump was only temporary." (Kenny Noble)

* "He'll have a few aches and pains--and he's too conservative to use Ben-Gay." (Hy Faber)

* "First he attacks Hollywood's music, then its movies, and now he's going after the stunt profession." (Bob Mills)

* "Don King saw Dole take that fall, and now he wants him to fight Mike Tyson." (Steve Disper)

During a campaign stop, Dole referred to L.A.'s Dodgers as "the Brooklyn Dodgers"--which they haven't been since 1957:

* "It was a stirring speech. He went on to condemn the League of Nations, bash the Whig Party and call for a balanced-budget amendment to the Magna Carta." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "It could have been worse. He once referred to a Detroit game on 'Monday Night Football' as 'the Lions versus the Christians.' " (Mills)

* "He's trying to get more current. He spent an hour scraping the Dewey sticker off his Edsel." (Faber)

*

In the news: Nearly 40 members of Congress took voluntary drug tests. Says Jenny Church, "As expected, none of their specimens showed a trace of sincerity."

The space shuttle Atlantis is picking up astronaut Shannon Lucid from the space station Mir. Says Alan Ray, "Her 188 days in orbit will prepare her for future adventures: She may one day need to fly on a commercial airline."

The fall TV season has begun. Says Ray, "Networks plan to bring us more comedy and sex than ever: They've tripled their campaign coverage."

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Did you see 'Men Behaving Badly'? It's reason enough for 'Ellen' to go lesbian."

*

Cirque du O.J. II: Some potential jurors in the Simpson civil trial are pleading financial hardship. Says Gary Easley, "There's already such a glut of O.J. books that nobody can make a deal."

The judge actually found one person who isn't already familiar with the case, says the Olympia Daily World. "Trouble is, his life-support system won't fit in the jury box."

This judge is pretty tough, Jay Leno says. "He's put a gag order on all the lawyers involved. I don't think it goes far enough. I think we ought to choke off their windpipes altogether."

*

The Rev. Rex H. Knowles of Calemont says he's beginning to feel it might be better not to let children talk during his junior sermons. He started one by saying, "Well, here we are in church again. . . ." And one boy spoke right up:

"Yeah. And Dad didn't want to come, and he and Mom had a good fight about it."

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