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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 25, 1996

That's the way the wedding cake crumbles: When John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette decided not to have a big public wedding, "That decision cost them $100 million," says Argus Hamilton. "Those weren't just wedding gifts they passed up, those were future auction items."

* "They were married on an exclusive island so isolated it can only be reached by money." (Stan Kaplan)

* "Uncle Ted threw a bachelor party for his nephew in the usual spot: His office." (Alan Ray)

* "A crisis line has been set up for distraught women: 1-800-U HAD 0 SHOT." (Alex Kaseberg)

*

In the news: Affirmative action is on the California ballot. "Works for me," says Hamilton. "I'm a Southern, Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual male living in West Hollywood, and you should just see all the minority loans I qualify for."

President Clinton announced steps to make it easier for workers to take their pensions when they change jobs. Says Paul Steinberg, "Bob Dole says he hopes the president gets to test the new plan personally."

Security personnel at Disneyland are being accused of brutality. Says Ray, "Park officials deny that guards have ever taken advantage of guests. That's the role of the souvenir shops."

A study says the first 25 years of marriage are the toughest. Adds Jenny Church, "Especially if it's all to the same person."

According to a new federal report, passenger-side air bags reduce traffic deaths. Says Steinberg, "However, the same report said backseat windbags increase traffic deaths."

During this week in 1977, "The Love Boat" premiered. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Julie went to rehab. Gopher went to Congress. Hard to say which fell the farthest."

British designers have invented a "fumble-free" condom that doesn't cause loss of eye contact during sex. Says Steve Voldseth, "If they were really smart, they'd invent one that doesn't cause loss of eye contact after sex."

* He adds, "While you're at it, how about one with a two-minute warning and instant replay?"

*

Ready, aim, you're fired: Financial problems caused the National Rifle Assn. to lay off 30 workers and make other cutbacks:

* "Well, if any organization knows how to bite the bullet, it's the NRA." (Cutler)

* "This could be the end of their primary community outreach program, Ammo on Wheels." (Ray)

* "How do you know when the NRA is about to lay you off? The boss steps away from your desk and shouts, 'Pull!' " (Jerry Perisho)

*

Reader Ileene Morris of Westchester says grandson Kyle, 7, recently visited from the San Diego area. She knew right away his school must be doing a drug-prevention program because he very seriously told her:

"Grandma, you should never smoke Tijuana."

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