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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 27, 1996

You must remember this: Since school officials suspended that 6-year-old boy for kissing a female classmate, Ron Bronow says it looks like we'll have to rewrite that old nursery rhyme:

"Georgie Porgie, puddin' and stew, kissed the girls and made them sue."

* "If they'd been playing doctor, he'd be facing a malpractice suit." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Hey, the kid thought he was safe--it was a 'singles only' first grade." (Bob Mills)

* "He's been offered $3 million to write a 'kiss and tell' McGuffy Reader." (Mills)

* "And now the girl has tested positive for cooties." (Cutler)

* "He told her that kiss would be very valuable someday, since he plans to grow up to be president of the United States." (Bill Williams)

*

In the news: Turns out the woman who held a cabby hostage for five hours on the freeway was armed with . . . a curling iron.

* "She belongs to an elite militia: the Green Barrettes." (Jenny Church)

* "Apparently, she threatened the driver with 'salon-quality body and shine.' " (Alex Pearlstein)

* "The standoff with police ended when officers lobbed in canisters of hair spray." (Church)

President Clinton announced a great new U.S. savings bond. Says Argus Hamilton, "He said it's flexible, it's variable and it matures in 10 years. So it must have his picture on it."

The candidates are arguing over details for their debates. Bob Dole wants to stand at podiums, Clinton wants to sit on stools. Says Hy Faber, "When Dole heard Clinton was demanding stools, he said, 'I already released my medical records.' "

"Frasier" star Kelsey Grammer is drying out at the Betty Ford Center after flipping his car. Says Faber, "He's having some personal problems. Today he called himself on the radio for advice."

* "NBC execs won't comment until test results come back. In Hollywood, you're not legally drunk unless your blood-alcohol level exceeds your Nielsen ratings." (Hamilton)

* "On the plus side, he's in line to be the new spokesman for the Isuzu Trooper." (Charlie Reinke)

* "Why the Ford Center? When it comes to celebrities and rehab centers, 'You want to go where everyone knows your name.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a bridal magazine, 87% of brides-to-be say they plan to take their husband's last name. Says Cutler, "And if they catch him cheating, they plan to take his last dime."

Carolyn Bessette married JFK Jr. just in time, says Hamilton. "Princess Diana was flying in the next day. She's the only woman in the world who would consider John-John a lateral move."

*

Reader Nancy Robison of Balboa Island recalls one Halloween, with spooks lurking everywhere, 2-year-old grandson Fisher heard a soprano on the radio singing an operatic aria. With eyes wide, he turned to her, pointed to the speaker and said:

"Grandma! A monster!"

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