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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

September 30, 1996

Fore! play: After just five weeks on the pro golf tour, young phenom Tiger Woods dropped out of a tournament, claiming exhaustion. Says Alex Kaseberg, "To recover from the stress of getting paid millions to play golf while someone else carries his bag of clubs, he plans to take nice relaxing rides in rush-hour traffic and work a refreshing 9-5 job."

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In the news: Los Angeles Police Chief Willie Williams broke ground last week for a museum of LAPD history. Says Argus Hamilton, "It's only fair. L.A. already has a Museum of Tolerance, and both sides deserve equal time."

Says Steve Tatham, "President Clinton has signed the Maternity Bill, which, oddly enough, is also his nickname."

John Travolta is in line to play the Clintonesque president in "Primary Colors." Says Hy Faber, "Travolta as Clinton? They'd better change the title to 'Get Portly.' "

Millionaire murder suspect John duPont has been ruled insane. Says Hamilton, "He thinks he's Mahatma Gandhi, he thinks he's the Dalai Lama, he even thinks he can cut taxes by 15% and still balance the budget."

The U.S. government has changed the rules for handling comatose individuals. Says Jenny Church, "If a man shows no signs of motion for 18 straight hours, his wife may legally pull the plug . . . on the TV set."

Before she left the space station Mir, Shannon Lucid conducted one last experiment with the Russian cosmonauts, says Hy Faber. "They proved conclusively that vodka and Tang make a lousy screwdriver."

Tournament of Roses officials named Olympian Carl Lewis as one of this year's grand marshals. Says Stan Kaplan, "Led by the sprinter, the three-hour parade is expected to finish in 10 minutes."

Superman will marry Lois Lane next month. Says Alan Ray, "Living together has been an adjustment for Lois. If he can bend steel with his bare hands, how come he can't pick up a broom?"

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Sittin' in a tree: You can read all about that North Carolina 6-year-old and his controversial kiss in his upcoming book, says Mark Gonzales. "It'll be called 'Everything I Know About Sexual Harassment I Learned in the First Grade.' "

* Adds Joshua Sostrin, "Film executives have already lined up Anna Chlumsky, Natalie Portman and Anna Paquin to star in 'The First Graders Club.' "

* Adds Hamilton, "The boy said he wants to grow up to be president--and he thinks his harassment trial should be postponed until after he completes his term."

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Reader Sandra Robbie of Santa Ana says son Christian, 5, came home from kindergarten one day with a question about Mrs. Kaprilien, his principal:

"If she's a woman, shouldn't she be a queenipal?"

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