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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 06, 1996

The morning after: We've survived another election campaign, defined by the Cutler Daily Scoop as "The process by which America selects the prime target for its comedians."

* "The networks outdid themselves this time. By 6 p.m., CBS had predicted winners of 11 governorships, 34 Senate seats--and that Connie Chung had failed in her bid to rejoin Dan Rather." (Bob Mills)

* "Tuesday night, Americans got to exercise our inalienable right to choose: Go see a movie, or rent a video?" (Alex Kaseberg)

* "The Clintons watched the returns on TV in Little Rock with a small group of their closest friends--and an Indonesian translator." (Mills)

* "Bob Dole was hoping for a repeat of Harry Truman's miraculous upset victory in 1948. Truman was the first candidate to lose in a Gallup and win in a walk." (Argus Hamilton)

* "You think you're glad to get this election over? You should see Hillary. Today, they'll let her out of the attic. She can walk among us again." (Jay Leno)


As easy as 1-2-3: His publicist confirms reports that Michael Jackson is going to be a daddy, with the help of nurse and longtime friend Debbie Rowe:

* "Talk about beginner's luck . . . " (Leno)

* "OK, OK, so Billie Jean is not his lover." (Gary Easley)

* "Doctors performed an ultrasound and they can't tell if it's a boy or a girl . . . so it's Michael's kid, all right." (Hamilton)

* "There might be some complications with the delivery: The stork can't stop laughing." (Jenny Church)

* "Skeptics think the story is a case of artificial dissemination." (Stan Kaplan)

* "You know your life is off to a bad start when your mom's Lamaze coach is Bubbles the chimp." (Hy Faber)

* "The proud daddy can look forward to Little League games, playing with animals and sleepovers with loads of kids. Who says life has to change when you become a parent?" (Cutler)


In the news: A tanker dumped a massive oil spill off Northern California last week. Says Hamilton, "Local surfers were forced to hang 10W-30."

In a speech to fellow broadcasters, Ted Turner said there's too much "sleazy, stupid, violent stuff" on TV. Says Alex Pearlstein, "He then urged everyone to tune in for a special World Wrestling Federation cage match between Dr. Ruth and Dr. Joyce Brothers this weekend on TNT."

The new hit movie "William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet" is a tragic tale of two young lovers who both die at the end. Says Leno, "Jack Kevorkian calls it 'the feel-good movie of the year.' "


Reader Doug Brewer of Ventura says his wife and their son Aaron, 4 1/2, were listening to the rain last week during "quiet time" just before bedtime. After a bit, Aaron said, "Mom, the puddles are laughing." Surprised by the remark, his mother asked him why. He replied:

"The rain is tickling them."

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