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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 06, 1996

The morning after: We've survived another election campaign, defined by the Cutler Daily Scoop as "The process by which America selects the prime target for its comedians."

* "The networks outdid themselves this time. By 6 p.m., CBS had predicted winners of 11 governorships, 34 Senate seats--and that Connie Chung had failed in her bid to rejoin Dan Rather." (Bob Mills)

* "Tuesday night, Americans got to exercise our inalienable right to choose: Go see a movie, or rent a video?" (Alex Kaseberg)

* "The Clintons watched the returns on TV in Little Rock with a small group of their closest friends--and an Indonesian translator." (Mills)

* "Bob Dole was hoping for a repeat of Harry Truman's miraculous upset victory in 1948. Truman was the first candidate to lose in a Gallup and win in a walk." (Argus Hamilton)

* "You think you're glad to get this election over? You should see Hillary. Today, they'll let her out of the attic. She can walk among us again." (Jay Leno)

*

As easy as 1-2-3: His publicist confirms reports that Michael Jackson is going to be a daddy, with the help of nurse and longtime friend Debbie Rowe:

* "Talk about beginner's luck . . . " (Leno)

* "OK, OK, so Billie Jean is not his lover." (Gary Easley)

* "Doctors performed an ultrasound and they can't tell if it's a boy or a girl . . . so it's Michael's kid, all right." (Hamilton)

* "There might be some complications with the delivery: The stork can't stop laughing." (Jenny Church)

* "Skeptics think the story is a case of artificial dissemination." (Stan Kaplan)

* "You know your life is off to a bad start when your mom's Lamaze coach is Bubbles the chimp." (Hy Faber)

* "The proud daddy can look forward to Little League games, playing with animals and sleepovers with loads of kids. Who says life has to change when you become a parent?" (Cutler)

*

In the news: A tanker dumped a massive oil spill off Northern California last week. Says Hamilton, "Local surfers were forced to hang 10W-30."

In a speech to fellow broadcasters, Ted Turner said there's too much "sleazy, stupid, violent stuff" on TV. Says Alex Pearlstein, "He then urged everyone to tune in for a special World Wrestling Federation cage match between Dr. Ruth and Dr. Joyce Brothers this weekend on TNT."

The new hit movie "William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet" is a tragic tale of two young lovers who both die at the end. Says Leno, "Jack Kevorkian calls it 'the feel-good movie of the year.' "

*

Reader Doug Brewer of Ventura says his wife and their son Aaron, 4 1/2, were listening to the rain last week during "quiet time" just before bedtime. After a bit, Aaron said, "Mom, the puddles are laughing." Surprised by the remark, his mother asked him why. He replied:

"The rain is tickling them."

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