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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 07, 1996

After the ball(oting) is over: Voters may have given President Clinton a landslide, says Steve Tatham, "But with the GOP still in control of Congress we can count on the ethics committee to give him a mudslide."

* "The Republicans always predicted that Clinton would serve two terms--one in the White House, one in prison." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Already you can hear the chants: 'Five to 10 years! Five to 10 years!' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "For his victory celebration, Clinton reserved 1,000 hotel rooms in Little Rock. Fair enough, polls show the voters had a lot of reservations about him, too." (Hamilton)

* "Finally, he can tell us about that toll he's going to charge us to cross his bridge to the 21st century." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "Bob Dole says he will now play bridge in the 21st century." (Steve O. Price)

* "Dole was getting desperate toward the end. He even offered Michael Jackson's nurse half a million dollars to carry California for him." (Hy Faber)

* "Ross Perot failed to carry even one state. And that's just the kind of encouragement he needs to run again." (Faber)

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Tokin' victory: Californians gave a hearty thumbs up to Proposition 215, allowing use of marijuana by the seriously ill:

* "Thinking about that just makes me sick." (Bob Thomas)

* "Wonder what that victory party was like." (Gary Easley)

* "Next time Clinton comes to California, he won't have to feel our pain." (Tatham)

* "Now if we can just get HMOs to cover the cost of Doritos and Oreos." (Alex Kaseberg)

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In the news: Facing a celebrity boycott, Paramount announced that "Hard Copy" will no longer buy nosy video footage from paparazzi. Says Pearlstein, "It's no big loss. I couldn't find any takers for that tape of Rip Taylor bowling nude anyway."

Disneyland has changed its policy on arresting suspected shoplifters. Says Easley, "Instead of holding them for hours of interrogation, they'll just make them ride 'It's a Small World' until they crack."

The launch of the Columbia was postponed for a week. Says Alan Ray, "NASA officials say the delay was caused by mechanical problems. They knew they shouldn't have taken it to the dealer."

So many superstars are indulging in copycat behavior these days, says Russ Myers. "First Madonna has a baby, then Michael Jackson announces he's becoming a father, and now Cigar is retiring to a stud farm."

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Reader Mark Appleman says that when his son, Aslan, was 4 or 5, he became absolutely fascinated by watching football on TV. After a few months, Dad started to think maybe football might be Aslan's future career. "Would you like to be a football player when you get older?" he asked. Aslan replied:

"I'd love to, Dad, but I don't want to live in the TV all the time."

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