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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 13, 1996

Check under the hood? Texaco says no, no, no--that isn't the "N-word" our executive is heard saying on that tape of a racially charged discussion about employees. He was just talking about "St. Nicholas":

* "And Newt didn't call Hillary a name. He was actually talking about the TV show 'Bewitched.' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Further analysis of the tape reveals nothing refined, just more heavy crude." (Mack Dryden)

* "At a Texaco refinery, there was a huge explosion and fire. Well, that's gonna happen when you burn the cross too close to the tank." (Jay Leno)

*

In the news: The Army's sexual harassment scandal first broke at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. Says Cutler, "Exactly what are they 'proving'? That they can be as obnoxious as Navy flyboys?"

A new book says 93-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond sexually harassed Sen. Patty Murray in an elevator two years ago. Says Argus Hamilton, "This is serious. He could get 10 years for assault with a dead weapon."

Hoboken, N.J., held a ceremony to dedicate the birthplace of Frank Sinatra as a historic landmark. Says Gary Easley, "The singer did not attend, because his kind of town Chicago is."

Rangers at Yellowstone say a record 70 grizzly bear cubs have been born this year. Says Alan Ray, "A male grizzly assumes much the same parental role as a human father: He spends most of his time asleep in the den."

Mel Gibson's movie "Ransom" is the tale of a father forced to pay a fortune to ensure a life for his son. Says Hamilton, "The original title was 'Tuition.' "

Charlton Heston is scheduled to narrate a two-hour documentary on himself, just a few years after publishing his second autobiography. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "The working title of the project is 'You Can't Spell "Moses" Without M-E.' "

*

Dee-fense! Dee-fense! Attorney Johnnie Cochran will co-host a nightly show on Court TV:

* "It's a new category--the double-talk show." (Stan Kaplan)

* "The show will be free for everyone except O.J. Out of habit, he'll watch it on pay-per-view." (Bob Mills)

* "If you are able, you must do cable." (Steve Tatham)

* "If you want to win, you must tune in." (Mills)

* "If you watch this show, we'll make lots of dough." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "If the show's not a hit, he'll have to quit." (Alex Pearlstein)

*

Reader Gina Theodora Bryant of Cerritos heard son Ian, 3, and daughter Anna, 2, scuffling in the next room. Suddenly Anna began crying loudly and Ian popped in to declare, "Anna hit me!"

"Did you hit her back?" asked Mom, hearing her loud wails.

"No," he said. "I hit her face."

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