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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 14, 1996

Escape from D.C.: More Cabinet officials are bailing out. Says Jay Leno, "Ever notice how when these guys resign, they always say it's to spend more time with their families? But when they first take the job, you never hear a guy say: 'I came here because I'm sick of my wife and hate my kids. I want to get an apartment with a hooker downtown'?"

To replace them, President Clinton is considering some Republicans. Says Argus Hamilton, "He won't have to order background checks because he's already got FBI files on every Republican in Washington."

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In the news: A class-action suit says six Avis franchises in the Carolinas would do anything they could to avoid renting cars to black people:

* "Like what, pointing out that Hertz was the company that hired O.J.?" (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "It was tough even for blacks who were allowed to rent. They were told to go wait at Denny's for the paperwork to be done." (Cutler)

* "Here's a real nightmare: You're a black woman trying to rent a car from Avis and buy gas at Texaco so you can drive down to the recruiting station and join the Army." (Leno)

Thousands of military women have called the complaint line set up as the Army sex-harassment scandal continues to widen. Says Will Couzin, "Seems as though some officers have lost control of their privates."

A survey shows that 74% of Americans think the U.S. government is involved in conspiracies. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Get this--I saw on the Internet that the other 26% have 'mysteriously' disappeared."

Scientists at JPL propose a mission to gather ice from Europa, a moon of Jupiter. Says Gary Easley, "That's what happens when the budget director refuses to allot money for an office refrigerator."

A guest on the "Jenny Jones Show" has been convicted of murdering a fellow guest. Says Mike Reeder, "Next on 'Jenny Jones': 'Talk-Show Guest Murderers and Why We Love Them.' "

Jenny Church says Johnnie Cochran ought to call his new show "The Glove Connection."

More than 100 renovation or restoration projects have given Hollywood a fresh look. Says Gary Easley, "And that figure doesn't even include the work done by plastic surgeons onthe town's prominent residents."

Robert Downey Jr. will host "Saturday Night Live" even though he's been sentenced to a 90-day rehab. Says Hamilton, "Rehab only works after you've hit bottom. An L.A. judge read the opening monologue and figured this was close enough."

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Reader Ann Ellis of Riverside says daughter Amanda, 8, asked her to show off her muscles. Impressed by her mother's physique, she asked:

"Mom, have you been taking hemorrhoids?"

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