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LAUGH LINES

Punchlines

November 18, 1996

Honeymoonwalk: Everything is backward in Australia, Steve Tatham says. "While it's fall here, Down Under it's spring. Water goes down the drain counterclockwise . . . and Michael Jackson is a newlywed father-to-be."

* "I guess he's decided to become the King of Pop-the-Question." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "The bride is a nurse he met during treatment for that horrible disease that alters his appearance--what, narcissism?" (Tatham)

* "Actually, it's in the standard plastic surgery contract: After the 10th new nose, you get to marry the nurse." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "It was a traditional wedding. At the end, he lifted his veil and kissed the bride." (Gary Easley)

* "They exchanged rings: She gave him a simple gold band. He gave her three rings--and the rest of the circus too." (Jerry Perisho)

* "Many people suspect the marriage and baby are just attempts to make Jackson seem more normal. Michael . . . babe . . . sweetheart . . . I can put on a pearl necklace but that doesn't make me Barbara Bush." (Kaseberg)

*

In the news: During his second term, President Clinton will work to reform campaign finance rules. Says Alan Ray, "No more big checks from foreign contributors. Under the new plan, he'll also accept Visa and MasterCard."

Californians approved Proposition 215, to allow use of marijuana by the seriously ill. Asks Nelle Hathaway Thomas, "Will they also approve making of counterfeit money by those seriously in debt?"

To mollify the neighbors, an Atlanta company disguised a cellular phone antenna tower as a tree. Says Jenny Church, "No one knew the 'tree' was wired until a woodpecker was shocked by an excessive long-distance charge."

A kindergarten teacher was suspended for writing "Where are my glasses" on the face of a 5-year-old girl who forgot to wear hers to school. Says Mack Dryden, "As a reprimand, school officials wrote 'Where is my brain?' on the teacher's forehead."

Major airlines say they were defrauded by a caterer. Says Church, "Instead of in-flight meals, he delivered trays of fresh, tasty, edible food."

A study says men today are more tired than those of 50 years ago. Says Ray, "Researchers have a new therapy for guys who can't seem to get to sleep: Hand them a list of chores."

At the Simpson civil trial, a DNA expert again spelled out the astronomical odds against the blood samples being from anyone except O.J. or the victims. Asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, "How astronomical? Worse than the odds against Michael Jackson remar . . . oh, never mind."

*

Reader Jeff Orr of Diamond Bar was presiding over the nightly homework ritual with sons Jason, 6, and Max, 5. Jason was trying to sound out one of his spelling words, "Dad." As a hint, his father said, "It's one of my favorite words." Max chimed in:

"Is the word 'No'?"

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