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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

November 22, 1996

But boy, can they multiply: A global study reveals that U.S. students are extremely weak in math:

* "Maybe so, but we kick international butt in Mortal Kombat." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "The research shows that most teenagers can't even count their blessings." (Paul Ecker)

* "At least they're assured a job with the National Park Service." (Ecker)

* "If we're all trained not to put 2 and 2 together, that would sure explain Bill Clinton's reelection." (Alex Pearlstein)

*

In the news: President Clinton made headlines in the South Pacific this week when he announced that he's fallen in love with Australia. Says Argus Hamilton, "Everyone's devastated. No sooner do we reelect him than he's seeing another country."

The White House objected to a hotel's plan to auction off sheets and a pillow used by Clinton. Asks Cutler, "How much could they be worth? Depends on the lipstick on the pillow."

House Republicans voted to keep Newt Gingrich as speaker. Says Cutler, "After heavy lobbying by joke-writers."

Bob Dornan is blaming his defeat on anyone he can think of. Says Scottie Baran, "He thinks the election may have been rigged by illegal aliens. What, invaders from Mars fired lasers at ballot boxes in Republican precincts?"

* Adds Cutler, "He blamed 'homosexual money.' Well, I know my money is straight. It goes straight to the landlord, straight to the electric company. . . ."

Kato Kaelin testified at the O.J. civil trial this week. Commentators described him as subdued. Says Hamilton, "That's one step below 'dude.' "

Researchers say estrogen can dramatically improve the memories of women. Says Joshua Sostrin, "They hope it can do the same for men, but caution that male patients who take estrogen will probably only remember to leave the toilet seat down."

Glendale Federal Bank plans to open branches in Kinko's copying centers. Says Jerry Perisho, "The combined establishments will have a new name: 'Counterfeiters R Us.' "

A study shows that those nasal strips athletes have taken to wearing don't enhance physical performance after all. Says Cutler, "But a different study shows that players patting each other on the rump does lead to heavier breathing."

Both Universal and Fox are about to release volcano movies. Says Jenny Church, "One's a disaster film, the other is a touching lava story."

Arnold Schwarzenegger's new movie, "Jingle All the Way," opens today. Says Pearlstein, "The title refers to the cash registers back at studio headquarters."

*

Reader Lillian Koslover of Redondo Beach took son Benjamin on his first airplane trip when he was 3. They had been in the air for about 10 minutes when he turned, with a quizzical look, and asked:

"When do we start getting smaller?"

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