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LAUGH LINES

Punchlines

November 28, 1996

Let's Give Thanks: Entrance fees are doubling in many national parks. Says Steve Tatum, "What is more appropriate for Thanksgiving than the government taking wilderness lands away from the people?"

* Now there's the Adopt-a-Turkey program if you want to save a bird from the dinner table. "Adopt-a-Turkey? It's blatant discrimination against the millions of chickens with no place to turn." (Mack Dryden)

* They estimate 45 million turkeys will be eaten this Thanksgiving," says Jay Leno. "Why turkeys? You think other animals tease turkeys? You think peacocks walk by turkeys and go, "Me and Chicken and Lobster are playing golf Thursday. Wanna come? Oh, sorry. . . ."

* "At the first Thanksgiving dinner, a Native American muttered, "I'm thankful O.J.'s trial won't start for 376 years." (Stan Kaplan)

* Experts predict the number of close calls on the nation's runways will increase over the Thanksgiving holiday. "It has to be true, says Alan Ray. "Yesterday a planeload of passengers almost came into contact with their luggage."

*

In the news: A lawyer in New Orleans used his expense account to pay a topless dancer more than $200,000 over a three-year period to go on business trips with him. Now his firm is suing to get the money back. "Imagine paying a topless dancer $200,000 just to go on business trips. I don't understand why anyone in such a respectable position would have anything to do with a lawyer," says Leno.

Major league baseball owners and players have finally reached agreement. "Every legality was observed," comments Bob Mills. "First, the team owners signed. Then they witnessed the players' Xs."

The Hollywood Bowl Orchestra will perform in Brazil on a special stage with the familiar shell. Says Jenny Church, "Technicians will create a true Hollywood Bowl setting including a thick layer of smog and no available parking."

The venerable Sands Hotel in Las Vegas has been razed. "The blast, scheduled for 2 a.m., confused hundreds of conventioneers in nearby hotels who experienced the earth move during sex for the first time," says Mills.

Starbucks introduces its "Christmas Blend" of coffee. "Sip it on the first day of Christmas . . . and be awake until the 12th." (Church)

*

Reader Claire Sterritt of Palm Desert says her husband was encouraging grandson Timothy, 4, to eat his bread crusts. "See?" he demonstrated, "Grandpa likes to eat his bread crusts--mmmm, good!"

A few weeks later, Timothy asked his mother how many days remained before Christmas, which would bring another visit with Grandpa. When asked why, Timothy replied:

"Grandpa like crusts, so I am going to start saving them to give to him for Christmas!"

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