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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

December 02, 1996

Fergie on-screen: The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, is considering her own TV talk show.

* "It won't be the same old dysfunctional guests talking about the same old dysfunctional families. She'll leave her former in-laws out of it." (Alan Ray)

* Of course the big problem will be finding something she hasn't told or shown." (Steve Voldseth)

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Modern travel: The first American auto race was 101 years ago. It took the cars nearly eight hours to go 55 miles. The winner's average speed was 7 mph. "So, technically, it was the first commute," observes Voldseth.

United Airlines pilots agreed to a contract that allows them a three-day wait between flights. "It's the same service provided most passengers," says Ray.

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In the news: South Carolina Gov. David Beasley wants to take down the Confederate flag that flies over the state capitol.

* "It was originally flown in the Civil War, carried by a young soldier named Strom Thurmond." (Jerry Perisho)

* "If they take it down, next they'll have to get rid of the washing machine on the front porch." (Ray)

The CIA is investigating why so many young agents are quitting after only seven to 10 years. Says Argus Hamilton, "Isn't it obvious? Their drug contacts in South Los Angeles have stopped accepting rubles."

While donating $366,000 to Democrats, the chairman of a Chinese brewery visited the White House 49 times. "Do they stamp his hand if he plans to return the same day?" (Jenny Church)

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The sporting world: "The NCAA has sent the University of Arkansas a letter of inquiry over its basketball program. Ever since they started playing this Indonesian point guard, the team eats steak every night." (Hamilton)

The Phoenix Suns have the worst record in the NBA. "You can tell morale in the arena is down. At the opening tip-off, the organist plays taps." (Ray).

* When they put their hands up on defense, it can mean only one thing. 'We surrender.' " (Ray)

"The Dallas Cowboys have been a wildly unpredictable football team, but no one doubts their positive attitude. Every time the Cowboys are put to the test, they test positive." (Hamilton)

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Reader Iris Schoenfeld of Los Angeles says grandson Adrian, 7, accompanied his uncle to a pet wash. When they returned, she asked Adrian if he had seen other animals.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "A collie and a Sherman leopard."

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