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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

December 20, 1996

When the V-chips are down: The TV industry announced its new content-rating system on Thursday. Among the categories, imaginary or otherwise . . .

* TV-G: "For shows that make you go, 'Gee, isn't there anything better on?' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* TV-Zzzz: "You're watching C-SPAN." (Jenny Church)

* TV-PG: "Parental Guidance, ideally not just 'Don't sit so close, you'll ruin your eyes.' " (Cutler)

* TV-NBA: "Big guys, bigger paychecks, bigger egos." (Don Mufti)

* TV-14.95: "You're watching QVC." (Church)

* TV-666: "Sitting through this two-hour Tori Spelling movie will be pure hell." (Cutler)

* TV-Mmmm: "You're watching the Food Network." (Church)

* TV-M: "For mature audiences--which rules out anyone who gets into a fight over the remote." (Cutler)

* TV-#%@&: "You're watching the Cartoon Network." (Church)

* TV-911: "Your friends know they'd better not call you during this show unless it's an emergency." (Cutler)

Some people are already confused by the ratings, says Bob Mills. "For instance, Beavis is rated TV-M for mature audiences, but Butt-head drew an exemption as a news anchor."

Enforcement of the ratings depends on installation of a V-chip in television sets. Says Russ Myers, "That will happen when Congress finds a way to remove it from Jack Valenti's shoulder."

*

In the news: The Clinton legal defense fund returned more than $600,000 that was delivered by Little Rock, Ark., restaurant owner Charles Yah Lin Trie. Says Argus Hamilton, "Bill Clinton used to eat there every day. It's the only Chinese restaurant where the fortune cookies have real fortunes in them."

An economist computed the cost of all those gifts in "The 12 Days of Christmas" and announced that the price is up 6% this year. Says Steve Voldseth, "Luckily, I still have some of the '700 Days of Christmas' I bought last year at the Price Club."

At an auction this week, Steven Spielberg paid $600,000 for Clark Gable's old Oscar. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Spielberg hopes to find traces of Gable's DNA, clone it and bring the late actor back to life to star in 'Jurassic Clark.' "

Cosmo says American women consider the ideal male measurements to be 42-32-32. Says Hamilton, "But in L.A. the perfect male is an 85-95-105. That's 85 years old, worth $95 million and running a 105-degree temperature."

*

Reader Barbara Pankonin of Temple City was Christmas shopping at a Pasadena department store with daughter Kristin, 4.

They were paying for their tree ornaments when another shopper rushed up to their clerk and asked, "Where can I find the angels?"

Kristin looked up and proudly announced:

"We're Dodgers fans, aren't we, Mommy?"

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