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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

December 30, 1996

Sportscast: NFL playoffs began Saturday.

* "Last coach who still has a job wins." (The Daily Scoop)

* "It's a crazy event at the stadium. Grown men will spend the night in line just to get a ticket. Grown women will spend a night in line just to use the rest room." (Alan Ray)

* "How new is Jacksonville? Buffalo has not lost a Super Bowl since Jacksonville has been in the league." (Daily Scoop)

In the news: The FCC has cleared the way for high definition TV with CD quality sound by 1998. "The realism will be truly startling. You won't be able to turn off 'Friends.' After three or four days, you'll have to diplomatically ask them to please leave," says Bob Mills.

* Marge Schott is in trouble with General Motors for falsifying sales reports at her car dealership. "In baseball, she always went by the book. Unfortunately, it was 'Mein Kampf,' " says Ray.

A Georgia man who was so disruptive on a flight that the crew turned the plane around was sentenced to four years in prison. "Prosecutors sought a much harsher sentence--a middle seat in coach nonstop from Atlanta to Australia," says Jenny Church.

"Beavis & Butt-Head Do America" is a big hit. "Producers have a special 3 p.m. morning show for their target audience," says Ray.

In New York City, NBC's giant Astrovision video screen beams TV shows into Times Square 18 hours a day. "The Big Apple is now the Big Couch Potato," says Church.

Domino's Pizza has announced it will open three outlets in Iceland. Argus Hamilton's take on Domino's new delivery guarantee: "If the pizza doesn't arrive at your door in 30 minutes, we'll shoot the dog."

Politics as Usual: "The theme of this year's Rose Parade is, as always, upbeat and optimistic: facing the future without Bob Dornan, Michael Ovitz and Bryant Gumbel." (Mills)

* "The next term will be a crossroads for House Speaker Newt Gingrich. He has come to an important fork in the tongue." (Ray)

* "This is the week that everyone receives their IRS tax forms . . . everyone except Gingrich, that is." (Rudolph Cecera)

* "The president and first lady spent the days after Christmas returning inappropriate gifts. Pretty much just the regular routine there." (Steve Voldseth)

Last Word on Christmas '96: "Why was it a good Christmas? There was no Christmas dinner crisis that would land us on Jenny Jones." (Daily Scoop)

*

Reader Ted Rose of Van Nuys recalls asking daughter Emily, 4, how preschool had gone one day. Emily looked sad and said, "Not good. Cathy chased me today."

The next day Dad again asked how she had enjoyed school. Again she looked glum, and said, "Not good. Cathy pushed me today." Her father offered sympathy and suggested she play with someone else.

The next day when he asked about school. Emily made a sour face. "Cathy again?" he asked. She nodded. "Well, what did she do this time?"

At that, Emily lost her composure and cried, "Cathy didn't come to school today!"

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