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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

February 13, 1997

New in Show Biz: Westinghouse, owner of CBS, has purchased the Nashville Network and Country Music Television. "CBS announced some changes," says Funny Scheet Inc. "The shows '48 Hours' and '60 Minutes' will now be shown back to back and be called 'Quite a Spell.' "

"Neither Madonna nor Courtney Love received nominations for best actress," says Gary Easley. "So much for the televangelists' claims that God has abandoned Hollywood."

*

Transportation Bulletin: "The Radio Flyer red wagon is 80 years old. This toy has occupied a traditional place in the lives of millions of Americans," says Alan Ray. "Blocking the driveway."

American Airlines pilots are preparing to strike. "Creatures of habit, 1,600 picketers are in a holding pattern approaching Chicago," says Bob Mills.

* "Their recent work slowdown didn't go well," says Ray. "No one could tell the difference."

* Jay Leno points out that the airline says it has replacement pilots. "Replacement pilots? What's that? Do you really want to hear over the intercom, 'Hi, this is Ted. Remember, I served your drink like an hour ago? I'm flying now! I'm flying the plane! You'll have to get your own drinks.' "

The military has tightened procedures after its aircraft flew too close to commercial airliners. "A commercial jet did a sudden dive to keep from colliding with National Guard aircraft," says Jenny Church. "This evasive maneuver is known as a reverse Dan Quayle."

* "Among signs that the F-16s are flying too close is when Air Force pilots are using your airliner's restroom." (Buddy Baron)

New York City has hired etiquette officers for its subways. "It's starting to work," said one passenger. "This morning the man who mugged me said thank you." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

*

The Never-Ending Story: "I don't want to join in the circus atmosphere that's out there," O.J. Simpson told Associated Press. Says Mills, "He evidently prefers to wait for the carnival atmosphere of the appeals."

* "He then excused himself and climbed into a little car with his 42 lawyers." (Morning Sickness)

* The jurors said they concluded Simpson should not profit from murder. "They're right," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "That is the job of the lawyers, the jurors, the witnesses. . . ."

* "O.J. was assessed $33.5 million," says Leno. "On the other hand, he can call off that expensive search for the real killers."

*

Reader Frederic Berry says his 6-year-old grandson was riding in the car as the radio played a public service message on the perils of drunk driving. "Make sure when you grow up you don't drink and drive," his dad told him.

"Yes," Eric replied, "but it's OK if you use a bent straw."

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