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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 03, 1997

Education Beat: Recent tests found that 54% of California's fourth-graders scored below average in basic skills. "Said one fourth-grader, 'That's pretty good, isn't it?' " (Steve Tatham)

* " 'That's almost half,' said a stunned fourth-grade teacher." (Bob Mills)

* "Worse still, 49% of eighth-graders are able to identify numbers between one and 80 only by their cable designations." (Mills)

* "Television is partially responsible," explains Stan Kaplan. "Asked what is a triangle, one student replied, 'when two guys love one girl.' "


Around the Country: A church in Bushnell, Fla., received a Publishers Sweepstakes notice announcing that God of Bushnell was a finalist for the $11-million prize. "There's a small catch," says Alex Pearlstein. "Before he can claim the prize, God will have to admit he made a mistake with the hairless cat."

"A new survey has found that 61% of adults say they know people who go to work under the influence of drugs or alcohol," says the Funny Scheet. "The other 39% used the survey as rolling paper."

The nation's first drive-through wedding chapel opened in Davies, Fla. "We thought we already had one of those," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "It's called Nevada."

The Honolulu City Council is considering charging tourists admission to the beach at Hanauma Bay. "So not only will you have to pay $250 per night for a lizard-filled room the size of a closet, your sunburn will cost you $3." (Jerry Perisho)

* "A new version of the TV show 'Hawaii Five-0' is in the works. In the plot, a family on vacation is held for a seven-figure ransom--they stay at a hotel on the beach." (Alan Ray)


Bioethics and You . . . and You: The cloned sheep has raised an ethical debate. "New York has introduced a bill to ban cloning of humans," reports the Daily Scoop. "And there are bills pending in the other 49 states to ban cloning of New Yorkers."

* Says Jay Leno, "The thing that's scary is it means the next time O.J. kills two people, he could be chipping golf balls, taking a shower, do all three at the same time."

* President Clinton has ordered the National Bioethics Advisory Panel to issue a report on the legal ramifications. "Specifically, he wants to know if clones can make separate campaign contributions without violating election laws." (Leno)

* Dolly the lamb was not the first, says Ray. "Replicating organisms of a simpler structure has already been accomplished. For example, scientists recently created a number of young Republicans."

* Naming human clones could be a problem. "With the sheep, they just reversed the letters and called it a ewe." (Bill Williams)


Reader Bernadette Heaton of Hacienda Heights had taken her 3-year-old grandson, Isaiah, to a movie theater complex for the first time. Later, he told her:

"Grandma, I want to go back to the TV park."

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