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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 07, 1997

Politics as Usual: The GOP fights to limit fund-raising investigations to the White House. Democrats fight to extend the investigation to Congress. "The American public fights to stay awake." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Newt Gingrich says the Democratic fund-raising scandal is bigger than Watergate. "Oh, right," says Jimmy McConnell. "It's all those illegal break-ins Clinton authorized."

Klanwatch says there has been a 6% increase in extremist groups in the U.S. The Daily Scoop advises on how to tell if your group is extreme:

* "Your leader talks regularly to God about armaments.

* "Your leader thinks he is God.

* "You don't have fun because 'fun' contains the letters UN."

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New In Sports: Former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda has been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. "At a loss for words, he credited Slimfast." (Paul Ecker)

Star Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning eschewed millions from the NFL to stay in school for his senior year. Says Alex Pearlstein, "The lure of turning pro was quelled with a few simple words--'and the No. 1 1997 draft pick goes to the New York Jets.' "

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Modern Travel: "United Airlines has announced plans to increase the size of portions in its in-flight meals," says Steve Voldseth. "Apparently the food they serve now is not quite cold enough in the middle."

New Federal Aviation Administration figures show that a record 573 million passengers flew on U.S. airlines during 1996. "During those flights 286 million of them initiated an unwelcome conversation with a seatmate and 273 arrived in the same city as their luggage." (Bob Mills)

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Around the Country: "You hear about this third-grader in Las Vegas?" asks Jay Leno. "Signed his name in wet cement, was arrested, strip-searched, charged with a felony. Things have certainly changed in Vegas. In the old days it was OK to put whole guys in cement."

* "Prosecutors are relying on an obscure 1937 case titled Grauman's Chinese Theatre vs. Mickey Rooney." (Mills)

Ticketmaster has announced a new service securing specific tee times for golfers. O.J. Simpson made a note to himself, says Jerry Perisho: "Remove that loser Robert Baker from speed dial. Add Ticketmaster."

If the San Fernando Valley secedes from Los Angeles, it will need a new name, observes Mills. "In the tradition of Baden Baden and Walla Walla, separatists favor naming the new city Bang Bang."

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Reader Shirlee Dresser's granddaughter, Jackie, 4, was helping her mother search for a lost sock. When her mother asked her where it might be, Jackie said:

"Maybe it's in the Bermuda Triangle."

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