Former middleweight champion Jake LaMotta is dispatching one-liners now instead of punches as a part-time stand-up comic at 74.
Here's some of his material, provided by John Lang of the Scripps Howard News Service:
In the movie about his life, "Raging Bull": "I told the producer I'd like to play myself. He said, 'Nah, you're not the type.' "
On Rocky Graziano, a boyhood pal and like LaMotta a former champion: "We used to do charity exhibitions. After one of these, I come out feeling so beat up I say, 'I don't even know, is that the sun or moon up there?' Rocky says, 'I don't know, I'm not from around here.' "
On his sixth wife: "I couldn't please her. I bought her a water bed. Her side froze."
Trivia time: Which school holds the NCAA Division I record for rebounds in a basketball game?
Man overboard! Track & Field News reported in its January edition that former world-ranked shotputter Gert Weil of Chile is leaving the sport.
Nothing unusual about that except that Weil hopes to compete in yachting at the next Olympics. Weil, however, stands 6 feet 5 1/2 and weighs 270 pounds. Is there a sailboat big enough to carry him?
Figure this: Bill Russell, the famed Boston Celtic center, was named the NBA's most valuable player five times, yet he made the all-league team only three times.
Yo, Todd, check in: Jim Thomas of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports that Todd Kinchen got married Feb. 22, then he and his bride took off for an exotic honeymoon on Turtle Island in the Great Barrier Reef of Australia.
Three days later, the Denver Broncos cut the wide receiver in an economy move. There was only one problem: His agent couldn't track down Kinchen to tell him.
"I've never even heard of this place where he's supposed to be," the frustrated agent said.
Ouch! Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle passes on this note from Roger Brigham: "Yankee pitcher David Wells is learning a hard baseball reality: 'Three steaks and you're gout.' "
Famine averted: The Eclipse awards dinner, held last month at a resort hotel in Bal Harbour, Fla., was no place to eat like a horse.
Guests learned at the $250-a-plate dinner that food wouldn't be served until after the lengthy awards presentations.
So Gene Stevens, publisher of a racing newspaper, called a pizzeria and had a large pie delivered to his table. People at nearby tables were begging Stevens for slices.
Trivia answer: Kentucky, with 108 against Mississippi on Feb. 8, 1964.
And finally: Charles Barkley, taking a cue from Allen Iverson's TV commercials, approached 76er Coach Johnny Davis during the Rockets' most recent game at Philadelphia and said of Davis' rookie guard, "I know the question and he's not the answer."