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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 12, 1997

Police Beat: The L.A. Police Commission did not renew Chief Willie L. Williams' contract. "Crime is down, the LAPD is finally getting along better with minority communities and the North Hollywood shootout turned his cops into national heroes. 'Yup, fire the bum.' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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News From All Over: "Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England," says Gary Easley. "Now, just like his mother and father, he must obey the nine commandments."

In a USA Today poll, 41% of respondents said the media are too aggressive in reporting the news. "We want kinder, gentler reporters," says the Scoop, "reporters who hand the grieving mother a tissue after they ask how it felt to see her son mangled in a farm combine."

* In the same survey, 8% said the media are not aggressive enough. "These are the same 8% who say the media wimped out of exposing the conspiracy behind Elvis' faked death." (Scoop)

A survey of L.A. schools finds that almost 14% of teens have taken a weapon to school. "Most of the time it's for self-defense, but some kids bring them for grade reevaluation." (Easley)

* "The number decreased when students were told the cafeteria meatloaf does not count as a weapon." (Alex Pearlstein)

Sam Donaldson celebrated his 63rd birthday this week. "But his hair is only 9," says Jenny Church.

Howard Stern's "Private Parts" opened to sellout audiences. "Most filmgoers looked like Pat Boone imitators," reports Jeff Tipton.

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New in Sports: Former Ram Darryl Henley got 41 years for running a drug ring and plotting to kill a judge. "Henley was thankful," says Paul Ecker. "He had heard rumors he was about to be traded to the Jets."

Dennis Rodman has signed to become Hulk Hogan's summer wrestling partner. "As a precaution, the World Wrestling Council will insist that all ringside photographers work from shark cages." (Bob Mills)

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Our Government: "There are new reports that China tried to buy U.S. congressmen," says Jay Leno. "We should make a law. If a foreign country buys congressmen, they have to take them back with them. Now, they buy these guys. Then they leave them here."

The Internal Revenue Service wants to improve its image. "They will no longer answer the phone with 'Next Victim' and a new mascot, Timmy the Tax Collector, will replace the Grim Reaper." (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Lucky Psaltiras took his family to Greece for a vacation. When they arrived after about 16 hours of travel, his 4-year-old daughter, Penelope, told him:

"I don't mind going to Greece, but I don't want to spend the night there."

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