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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 14, 1997

Around the House: "The House of Representatives held a hearing on cloning this week," says Argus Hamilton. "You can't make this stuff up. During the floor debate, 400 white guys in blue suits and red ties announced they want to ban cloning."

* "Instead of allowing human cloning, Congress decided to just tax everybody double." (Jenny Church)

* Scottish sheep cloner Dr. Ian Wilmut testified before Congress about human cloning. "Of course, many politicians already know how to create humans artificially--voter fraud." (Church)

Actor Alec Baldwin visited Congress this week in an effort to gain financial support for the arts. "Alec Baldwin is testifying for the arts?" asks Jerry Perisho. "Who are they going to invite next, Pauly Shore? Hulk Hogan? 'Weird Al' Yankovich?"

"People are very upset about reports that China tried to buy U.S. congressmen," says Jay Leno. "Why are you worried about this? Look at all the money we give Congress every year and they've never done anything for us. All of a sudden these guys are gonna start doing something for the money they're getting? Don't worry, it's not gonna happen."


Around the Country: The new roller coaster, Superman: The Escape, has opened at Magic Mountain in Valencia. "Visitors will be hurled through space and reach 100 mph in seven minutes," says Bob Mills. "Then after they get off the Golden State Freeway, they can park and line up for the ride."

* "Lois says, 'My folks are coming over,' and the thing goes whooooosh." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "It goes 100 mph backward. The sensation is like parallel parking with Oksana Baiul." (Buddy Baron)

A county jail inmate in Sioux Falls, S.D., complained that the new black and white striped inmate uniforms make prisoners look like Dr. Seuss characters. "Wrong," says Perisho. "Even though the Grinch stole Christmas from Whoville, he never did any hard time."

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., is now offering college classes, says Leno. "The best part is, if you flunk out, you can just walk across to the food court and start your job immediately."

The National Organization for Women named the brokerage firm Smith Barney a "merchant of shame" for its discrimination against women, says Perisho. "When contacted, officials from Smith Barney advised reporters, 'Have your girl call my girl.' "

"The New York Yankees' Darryl Strawberry turned 35 this week," says Alex Kaseberg, "which is about 53 in drug years."


Reader Keefe Ferrandini of Newhall says her family's garage has always been filled to the rafters with junk. One day, her son, Drew, 4, came home dumbfounded after a visit to a neighbor's house.

"Mom, Julie's family puts cars in their garage!"

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