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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 17, 1997

News From Washington: After President Clinton injured his knee on Friday, his press secretary was asked at a briefing if he had been given painkillers. The answer, according to Mark Michaels: "Yes, but he didn't swallow them."

Before leaving for Florida, where he was injured, Clinton told guilt-ridden baby boom parents how to tell their kids about drugs. "Just look across the dinner table and say you didn't do them. It worked on your parents, it'll work on your kids." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Clinton said the idea that baby boomers are afraid to talk to their kids about drugs is 'hooey,' " says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "He's right. Just try getting a boomer to not talk about the '60s."

* Clinton exhorted parents to warn their kids about drugs. "Mothers were also warned not to let their babies grow up to be Dallas Cowboys," says Paul Ecker.

"That scientist from Scotland, Ian Wilmut, the guy that cloned the sheep, appeared before Congress. At least they think it was him. . . . His wife said no, he was with her the whole time." (Jay Leno)

The U.S. Postal Service has introduced the first triangular stamps. "Sounds fine," says the Daily Scoop. "We are just worried about those postal workers who, how shall we say it, don't react to change very well."

* "In an unfortunate side effect, letters with the stamp that are addressed to Bermuda mysteriously disappear." (Bob Mills)

In new guidelines for schools, the U.S. Department of Education says that when a 6-year-old pecks a classmate on the cheek, it is not sexual harassment. "However, say the guidelines, the kissee is free to call the kisser a 'doo-doo head.' " (Scoop)

*

Elsewhere in the Nation: Levi Strauss & Co. purchased a 100-year-old pair of jeans for $25,000 for its San Francisco museum. "They knew the jeans were old because the tag said, 'Made in America,' " says Ecker.

Time magazine reports New York City is making a big comeback. Its poll says 50% of New Yorkers wouldn't live anywhere else. "The terms of their probation don't allow it," Hamilton explains.

Gangs of exotic dancers roamed the Des Moines, Iowa, statehouse to lobby against a bill that would outlaw nude clubs. "Unable to conduct their regular duties without interruption, legislators issued an order to cease and desist within three weeks or face certain prosecution." (Mills)

*

Reader Jasmyn Jeffery of Simi Valley was watching a TV commercial with Anthony, 5. When he asked for the toy on the screen, Jeffery told him she had no money. He thought for a minute.

"You could sell chocolate bars," he said.

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