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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 19, 1997

Our Government: Congress rebuked the White House by voting to give Mexico 90 days to improve its drug policy or face sanctions. Says Argus Hamilton, "President Clinton hit the ceiling. But that may have been the Demerol."

The administration has proposed that interstates be converted to toll highways. "If they are smart, they will charge motorists by the hour," says Jeff Tipton.

* "Now might be a good time to adopt a highway." (Michael Feldman)

The Army continues its investigations of sexual misconduct on bases. It is zeroing in on one base, says Jerry Perisho. "But after all, the Army is the one that named it Ft. Bliss."

Illinois Republican Rep. Henry Hyde has ordered a study of the impeachment process in case a fund-raising "smoking gun" turns up, says Bob Mills. "He also has requested that the Pentagon review Martian debriefing procedures in case a UFO sighting proves fruitful."

* Impeachment is easy, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Step 1 is to have your Whitewater inquiries go nowhere. 2. Lose the election badly. 3. Throw around words like 'impeachment' to get the media's attention. 4. Hope nobody notices there is no solid evidence of high crimes or treason."

*

Business Beat: The Supreme Court has upheld California's ban on unattended news racks containing sex-oriented publications. "In a wide-ranging decision, the justices have vowed to get pornography off the streets and back on the Internet where it belongs." (Mills)

The fight for market share is escalating in the cereal business, says Hamilton. "Kellogg offered new Cocoa Frosted Flakes with sugar and the added kick of chocolate. To stay competitive, General Mills is about to introduce Captain Crack."

* "Just to give you an idea how much sugar is in those Cocoa Frosted Flakes," Steve Voldseth says, "Today, Tony the Tiger went out of control and had to be destroyed."

Why are so many service professionals incompetent? "They are not service people," explains Bill Maher. "They are pre-celebrities."

*

Killing You Softly . . .: Resist Records in Los Angeles will release "A Very Still Life: The Kevorkian Suite " by Jack Kevorkian. "He plays the flute and some other instruments," says Jay Leno. "If you think about it, Kevorkian is not that different from other musicians. He drives around in a van filled with drugs. He sees a woman once and then never calls her again."

*

Reader Freeman Gosden Jr.'s 3-year-old granddaughter, Katherine, had just arrived in Palm Springs from her home in Chicago, where the weather was cold and bleak. On the way from the airport, she gazed at the lush green surroundings.

"Look, Granddad. They have put the leaves back on the trees. In Chicago they took them all off."

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