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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 26, 1997

Rite of Spring: The Academy Awards are over, and once again we are left pondering the same question, says Alex Kaseberg: "Where do all those limos go the other 364 days of the year?"

* "One guy talked to himself, another guy talked to his Oscar, but at least nobody talked about their politics." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* Billy Bob Thornton's "Sling Blade" took home the adapted screenplay trophy, winning over others including Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet." Says Michael Edens, "Fortunately for Thornton, Shakespeare's contribution to 'Hamlet' was considered ineligible."

* "In addition, Thornton won the less coveted Mail Order Tuxedo award." (Kaseberg)

* "Dennis Rodman's outfit looked like he stole the drapes from the Liberace museum." (Scoop)

* "Once again, the show was slow, but then host Billy Crystal is used to boring, endless evenings," says Alex Pearlstein. "After all, he's a Clipper season ticket holder."

* "Like 'Braveheart' last year, 'The English Patient' swept the Oscars by being the movie closest in length to the Academy Awards show." (Steve Tatham)

* "Best supporting actress winner Juliette Binoche showed up in a lovely red velvet gown she borrowed from a visiting Vulcan ambassador." (Scoop)

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The Other Awards: The Golden Raspberry Awards for the worst in movies are given out on Oscar day. "Demi Moore and 'Striptease' won six," says the Scoop. "It is almost enough to make people forget 'The Scarlet Letter.' Almost."

* Pauly Shore received a Razzie as the worst actor of 1996. "Upon the news, CNN reported that Shore was 'subdued,' " says Argus Hamilton. "That's one step below dude."

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In Other News: "Census Bureau data reported in USA Today indicates a mass exodus from California," says Bob Mills. "The figure shows that half moved elsewhere and the other half disappeared while appearing in CBS sitcoms."

French scientists say drinking three to four glasses of wine each day can help prevent Alzheimer's disease. "This daily wine consumption also explains how French people gained their appreciation of Jerry Lewis." (Funny Scheet)

"The Federal Trade Commission has approved Mattel's purchase of Tyco Toys," says Mills. "The first evidence of the merger is the new GI Joe-Barbie doll set called 'Fun at the Aberdeen Proving Ground.' "

* "Corporate restructuring could take months," Alan Ray says. "Everything comes unassembled."

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Reader Cal Hosozawa of La Mirada called home, and his 4-year-old son, Ryan, answered the phone. Teasing him, Hosozawa said, "Who are you? What are you doing there?" Ryan answered:

"This is Ryan. You know, your kid."

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