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Laugh Lines

March 28, 1997

Newsbreak: "This just in--Cuba Gooding Jr. has finished his acceptance speech, and he loves you all." (Steve Tatham)

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New in Sports: "Tickets for the Final Four are going for as much as a thousand bucks a seat," says Alan Ray. "The ultimate fan could shell out as much as two grand for a game if he wants some nachos."

Dennis Rodman sprained his knee and may be out for the rest of the season. "He smiled bravely through the pain," says Alex Pearlstein. "Something he learned at the Academy Awards on Monday night."

* "Attempting to replace him as best they could, the Bulls immediately signed RuPaul to a 10-day contract and tie-dyed guard Steve Kerr." (Michael X. Ferraro)

* "With both Rodman and Shaquille O'Neal sidelined, fans have cause for alarm. They may decide to make a movie together." (Ferraro)

O.J. Simpson talked to Sports Illustrated magazine. "He told SI he plays golf on public courses and is put in foursomes with strangers," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "That is because all the people who know him are busy writing books."

* O.J. said he gets "some pretty funny reactions" when he meets new golfing partners. "Usually it's a quizzical reaction, like, 'Hmmm. How can I make money off this?' " (Scoop)

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News From All Over: In Bethesda, Md., there has been a rash of break-ins by people with British accents who demand cash from homeowners before they leave. "Hey, it worked for Princess Di," says Jerry Perisho.

President Clinton wants more information from the FBI on political donations from China. "Actually, what Clinton wants is information from the FBI that hasn't been lost, shredded, changed by a supervisor, eaten by police dogs, ruined by biological samples from other cases or switched with a tape-recorded confession by Timothy McVeigh." (Scoop)

Research finds that heart attacks might be prevented by a new anti-clotting drug. "Tirofiban is modeled after snake venom and extracted from donor lawyers," explains Jenny Church.

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Annals of Astronomy: NASA says the Hubble telescope's new $105-million camera is out of focus. "Either that, or things are farther away than we thought," says Joe Kevany.

* "Several Hollywood critics have suggested NASA continue to release the photos and simply label them 'Felliniesque,' " says Bob Mills.

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Reader Bev Hershey of North Hills says her son Jeffrey, 4, came home from preschool and announced he could count to 100, which he then proceeded to do. When she asked him if he knew what came after 100, he replied:

"Percent."

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