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Punch Lines

March 31, 1997

Around the Country: "A motorcyclist jumped 19 buses in Phoenix on Friday," says Argus Hamilton. "His cycle hit the 20th bus, but he double flipped and landed on his feet to wild applause. Then he took off his helmet, and sure enough, it was George Bush."

* After Bush's successful jump, aides said he was the first president to parachute. "True enough, but there are other executive aviation firsts. Dan Quayle was the first vice president to slide into a luggage carousel." (Michael X. Ferraro)

"The Minnesota Legislature has banned same-sex marriages," says Bob Mills. "Specifically exempted are people living in cities where the average temperature is less than 30 below."

O.J. Simpson has been ordered to hand over personal property in satisfaction of the judgment against him. "Items include his Heisman trophy, his golf clubs and the 3,000 unopened videos of 'The Naked Gun' in his garage." (Mills)

* "At least he won't lose a Super Bowl ring," observes Paul Ecker.

"Missouri officials are trying to name the woodchuck the official state rodent," says Premiere Morning Sickness. "This beats last year's state rodent, F. Lee Bailey."


Show Biz as Usual: "Calendar model Pamela Anderson Lee says she left the cast of 'Baywatch' to pursue more serious roles," says Hamilton. "This is the first sign of a Three Stooges reunion movie."

Aaron Spelling is suing a contractor over a leak in the roof in his 56,500-square-foot mansion. "Poor Aaron. Until the work is done, he's being forced to live in 55,000 square feet," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

"First the star of 'Annie' was fired. Now a dog has been fired from a Broadway show--BJ from 'Jekyll & Hyde,' " says the Scoop. "Well, it's a dog replace dog business."

* "The producers said BJ was too perky," says the Funny Scheet. "They replaced him with his understudy, Charles Grodin."


News From All Over: Sarah Ferguson will write a column for the New York Times. "Her recently enhanced resume raised a question around Buckingham Palace," says Alan Ray. " 'What is a resume?' "

America Online will open a new computer service in Japan, says Jerry Perisho. "Asked if translations were a worry, AOL chairman Steve Case said, 'No. The busy signal is a universal language.' "


Reader Diane Stelley says that one day when her nephew Mark came home from kindergarten hungry, his mother suggested he fix a sandwich. Instead of the ham spread, Mark got out a long-forgotten leftover. As his mother entered the kitchen, he was studying the fuzzy gray mold on the top. He carefully returned the container to the refrigerator.

"I didn't know we were growing pussy willows," he said.

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