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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 01, 1997

In Washington: "The FDR memorial is too politically correct," says Argus Hamilton. "Animal rights people wouldn't let Eleanor wear a fur coat and nonsmokers won't let FDR hold his cigarette holder. Wait till the Irish find out the dog's a Scottie."

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Out at Last: "The audience breaks into cheers when Ellen admits she's gay," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Executives at ABC broke into cheers when they realized they had an audience."

* The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation said it mailed out hundreds of "Come Out With Ellen" party kits, says Jay Leno. "It's a sad day when Americans can't just be gay on their own. You have to have a kit."

* A survey says that 46% of respondents say there are now too many gay portrayals on TV, says the Daily Scoop. "That figure drops to 10% among people who've seen 'Men Behaving Badly.' "

* "I'm glad the 'Ellen' episode about love is over," says Bob Thomas. "Now the juvenile jokes, the lewd innuendoes, the gratuitous violence, the sex scenes can again take their prominent place on network TV."

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Business Beat: R.J. Reynolds is appealing a U.S. judge's ruling that tobacco is a drug. "Of course cigarettes aren't addictive," says Hamilton. "They're therapeutic. Every 20 minutes, a cigarette will keep your hands from trembling."

"For the first time in more than 50 years, there is not a drive-in theater open in the Valley or Orange County," says Thomas. "Now where are the teenagers going to go to not watch a movie?"

"NBC has signed a made-for-TV movie deal with Sammy 'the Bull' Gravano," says Alan Ray. "The location shooting could get expensive. There will be a lot of underwater footage."

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New in Scouting: Boy Scout Chief Executive Jere Ratcliffe was stopped for trying to take a loaded gun aboard a plane in Miami. "He must have been in the Boy Scout militia movement," says Johnny Robish.

* "Authorities believe he just forgot it was there in his carry-on luggage," says the Funny Firm. "But, his troop was the best behaved officials had ever seen."

* "He told authorities he needed the .32 automatic to ward off gangs of Girl Scouts rushing to meet their cookie quotas." (Bob Mills)

* "Ratcliffe received a merit badge from the NRA." (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Jackie Zev of Chatsworth says her 3-year-old son, Jonathan asked her, "What is a law?" Trying to think of what could have prompted the question, she told him, "A law is a rule that everyone who lives here has to follow."

"Oh," said Jonathan. "Does Murphy live here?"

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