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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 02, 1997

Heading West: Chelsea Clinton decided to go to college at Stanford. "The White House press corps suspected it would be a California college when the first daughter showed up in cutoff jeans, sandals and sunglasses, and carrying a surfboard," says Bob Mills.

* Chelsea wants to be a doctor. "Finally, a Clinton health care plan that may work." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "President Clinton has spent so much time in California, it's the only place Chelsea could qualify for in-state tuition." (Argus Hamilton)

*

News From All Over: A New York educator pulled out of the running for Los Angeles Unified School District superintendent. "Nothing like a few aftershocks to weed out the wusses," comments the Daily Scoop.

Of China's lobbying the U.S., President Clinton says it's about trust. "But nobody trusts a country with a billion people that says Ping-Pong is their favorite pastime." (Hamilton)

Mattel is suing a magazine for using Barbie's name and image without permission and for "printing disparaging remarks about Barbie," says Gary Easley. "Like what? That she is pushing 40 and keeps changing careers?"

The president is set to name a new nine-member gambling commission. "The first study the commission will do is to find out why people double down with a pair of sixes when playing blackjack." (Paul Ecker)

The defense compared Timothy McVeigh's talk about bombing a federal building to "Walter Mitty" fantasizing. "Funny, we don't remember any of Danny Kaye's fantasies involving the brutal murder of 168 people. Maybe that was in the director's cut." (Daily Scoop)

Molecular biologists at Johns Hopkins University have created a strain of highly muscled super mice, says Jerry Perisho. "No more secretive skittering across the kitchen floor. These mice walk directly up to you and say, 'I want some cheese NOW.' and 'Where's that cat?' "

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The Industry: "It's sweeps month, that time of year when television shows get a little racier than usual to bolster ratings," says Steve Voldseth. "Next week, you won't want to miss 'The XXXX Files,' 'Caroline Does the City' and 'Sesame Streetwalker.' "

The House of Representatives has voted to give Frank Sinatra a Congressional Gold Medal. "Once again, Congress proves it can tackle nagging social problems." (Mike Reeder)

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Reader Nabil Captan of Huntington Beach says his son Sammy, 6, said he is the second-best reader in his class. When his mom asked him who was the best reader, he said, "Jennifer is." When would he be the best reader, his mom asked.

"When Jennifer's absent," Sammy said.

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