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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

May 06, 1997

The Donald, the Divorce: Donald Trump and his wife, Marla Maples, are separating. "Maples' attorney sang her statement: 'I'll take Manhattan.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

* "They cited irreconcilable bank statements." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "A spokesman says the couple will remain friendly," says Jay Leno. "Donald will be allowed to come over on weekends and visit his money."

* "Once Donald Trump learned cloning was possible, he knew he could finally marry his only true love." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "What a shock. It was such a sweet, romantic wedding. They wrote their own prenuptial agreement." (Alan Ray)

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Around the Country: Charlton Heston has been elected to the board of the National Rifle Assn. "He'll be the one carrying the AK-47 and wearing a toga." (Bill Williams)

* Heston feared forces inside the association were "reducing it to a sideshow of the American radical fringe." "Heston supporters feel the NRA should be the main show for the American radical fringe." (Johnny Robish)

* "He was elected on the promise to carry the beleagured gun lobby into the 18th century and beyond." (Bob Mills)

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"Bob Dole was not allowed to board a plane at Washington National Airport because he had no photo ID," says Bill Maher. "Dole explained he doesn't carry a wallet because he gave all his money to Newt Gingrich."

"A mere 1% of smokers attend the stop-smoking programs offered by their HMOs," says Jenny Church. "Their HMOs are so cheap, they offer one-step programs--a staffer hands each smoker a book of wet matches."

"Silver Charm thundered to victory on Saturday in the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs," says Argus Hamilton. "As usual, the bookmakers had a field day. A racetrack is a place where windows clean people."

"California students scored a poor 39th out of 44 states on a tough, new science test," says Robish. "This underscores the fact that when you have malls, science isn't everything."

A conference examined the medical effects on women who box. "So far, there is no indication of unusual effects in female fighters," says the Daily Scoop. "I guess they'll just have to settle for the same brain damage as guys."

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Hands Across the Border: President Clinton met with President Ernesto Zedillo in Mexico to demonstrate their commitment to curbing the drug flow between the two countries, says Russ Meyers. "Zedillo pledged to burn marijuana fields and Clinton promised not to inhale."

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Reader Randy Bowman says his 10-year-old daughter, Chelsea, found a lost wedding band at a soccer match. Before turning it in to an official, Chelsea read the inscription--"M & T, 6/22/96."

"That's not too long ago," Chelsea said. "They might still be married."

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