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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 07, 1997

Modern Life: "In 1923 it took 27 hours to fly from New York to California," says Steve Voldseth. "What a difference a few years make. Now it only feels like 27 hours."

A survey found that 44 million U.S. homes have guns. "Something to consider if you're a door-to-door salesman ringing around dinner time." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The tobacco industry is now willing to accept cigarette packs with warnings such as "Smoking Kills." "How about, 'Thank You for Not Suing'?" suggests Jenny Church.

"According to the latest figures, the unemployment rate is so low there is a worker shortage," says Jay Leno. "To show you how desperate businesses are for workers, today somebody actually hired a history major."

Mercedes-Benz announced plans for a car with a built-in personal computer. "It's for drivers who have nothing to do between phone calls, putting on makeup, drinking coffee and changing CDs." (Voldseth)

Australian Susie Maroney will attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida on Thursday. "Getting approval from Castro is unusual," comments Alan Ray. "For his OK to make this trip, you usually have to have a criminal record."

Congressman Joseph P. Kennedy II is trying to annul his 12-year-marriage while his brother Michael is in trouble for an affair with an underage girl. "They say the Kennedys are America's royal family," says Argus Hamilton. "Unfortunately, they may be right."

*

Your Brain on Drugs: "Bad crack sent 25 people in Winterhaven, Fla., to the hospital," says Leno. "What exactly is bad crack? Does bad crack somehow violate the strict quality control checks that most drug dealers have?"

* "The difference between good crack and bad crack is that the good crack takes weeks to put you in the hospital." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

The FDA approved a new device, the Nicotrol Inhaler, to help smokers quit the habit. "A nicotine inhalation system?" says the Funny Firm. "We have that now. It's called secondhand smoke."

*

The Small Screen: "The Dow hit a record," says Bob Mills. "One telltale sign of a strong market--PBS is now interrupting 'Wall Street Week' with pledge breaks."

"Saddam Hussein now has a home page on the Internet. Of course there are already problems. He just tried to usurp Kuwait's home page." (Paul Steinberg)

The people who produce "Jeopardy" have taken it overseas for the International Jeopardy Championship. "I'll take '18th Century Swedish Comedians' for $1,000, Alex." (Jerry Perisho)

Reader David Owen of Los Angeles says his 7-year-old son, Edwin, was very concerned about their ailing dog. Edwin's suggestion:

"Take her to a vegetarian."

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