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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 08, 1997

Mind versus Microchip: "This man-versus-computer chess match won't prove anything," says Alex Kaseberg. "Until a computer can go bald on top, grow a ponytail and honest-to-God think it looks good, we won't have anything to worry about."

* "After losing a game in his match with IBM computer Deep Blue, chess champion Garry Kasparov challenged the computer to a swim meet, which he won by remaining afloat." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* "Deep Blue. Odd name, isn't it," says Jay Leno. "Sounds like some Smurf porn star."

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Politics, Kennedy Style: "Joseph and Michael Kennedy are in all kinds of trouble over women," says Argus Hamilton. "It's starting to tarnish the family name. Their cousin's campaign slogan in Rhode Island is 'Patrick Kennedy--No Relation.' "

* Joe Kennedy's hopes of being governor of Massachusetts are fading. "Meanwhile, Kennedy says, 'Elect me. If I don't like the job, I can always have it annulled.' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Government as Usual: The new federal budget includes generous tax breaks for college tuition, says Bob Mills, but "House and Senate Republicans are protesting the provision that allows the highest deduction to parents with children at Stanford."

Government scientists say they've started testing an experimental computer model expected to improve weather forecasting across the western U.S. by monitoring developing systems with more detail than before. "So now they'll be able to guess the weather with more accuracy than before." (The Funny Firm)

The FAA has mandated a security program that matches up airline passengers with their bags before they board. "Hopefully, they'll have more luck with that than they do matching them up after the flight," says Steve Voldseth.

* "If the baggage matching program proves successful, they'll start trying to seat insufferably boring passengers next to each other." (Mills)

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New in Show Biz: The Jackson 5 were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "It was great seeing Tito, Jackie, Jermaine and Marlon again. But whatever happened to that cute, round-faced kid?" (Daily Scoop)

* "The Bee Gees were also inducted," says the Scoop. "What next? Pat Boone in heavy metal gear?"

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A Thought for Today: "A recent survey says that men are more likely than women to believe that intelligent life exists on other planets," says Jim Shaughnessy. "Women are more pessimistic. They say they are not convinced that it exists here."

Reader Ellen M. Clark of Huntington Beach says her 5-year-old, Andy, was working on a special Mother's Day project at school. As he started to describe it, she said, "You'll give it away." To which Andy responded:

"I'm not going to give it away. I'm going to give it to you."

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