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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

May 12, 1997

Inside the Beltway: Newt Gingrich says he is changing his focus to drugs, teen pregnancy and education. "That could land him back in front of the House Ethics Committee," says Argus Hamilton. "It's a federal crime to imitate the president."

* "Newt's turning into Clinton, Clinton's turning into Newt, Washington is turning into an 'X Files' episode." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The Justice Department says a crackdown on trademark fraud targeting counterfeits of Nike, Calvin Klein and other products has netted 35 indictments. "The feds knew they had a fake pair of Nikes on their hands when they found the words 'Made in America' stamped on the bottom," says the Funny Firm.

*

Around the Country: The Las Vegas Hilton plans a new attraction, Star Trek: The Experience. "Deal me in, Scottie." (Jenny Church)

Talk show host Jerry Springer quit his new job as a news commentator in Chicago. "After just two appearances, Springer became frustrated when he realized there were no cross-dressing schizophrenic skin-heads who cheat on their mates in the real world." (Alex Kaseberg)

When former Rep. Bob Dornan's ex-chief of staff Brian Bennett announced he was gay, Dornan said, "Brian has limited his options." "Yeah," says Jerry Perisho. "It looks like Bennett will never be able to work for a closed-minded, reactionary has-been again."

* "Bennett says he has asked Dornan to turn down his gay bashing," says the Scoop. "Sure, that'll happen. The same day Dornan stands on the border with a 'Welcome to America' sign."

A young woman in York, Pa., made her prom dress in shop class out of sheet metal. "Kind of cute idea, but I feel sorry for her date," says Jay Leno. "It's bad enough nowadays you gotta worry about sexually transmitted diseases. Now you gotta worry about tetanus, too."

"Michael Richards, Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus of 'Seinfield' each want $1 million per episode next season and say if they don't get the money, the show will not go on. "Remember the episode about the 'soup nazi,' " asks Perisho. "Well, meet the SAG nazis."

*

Science File: "A study puts the beginning of farming in the Western Hemisphere back to 8000 BC," says Paul Ecker. "No wonder he was known as Old MacDonald."

"A study shows that there is no academic gender gap; males and females are generally equal at abstract reasoning--which means men should be able to figure out why they're always wrong." (Daily Scoop)

Reader Judith Maiman of Playa del Rey was testing a young student's math progress and read the following problem: "Michael delivers groceries. One day he delivered three bags to Mrs. Brown, eight bags to Mr. Gomez and four bags to Miss Harrison. How many bags did Michael deliver that day?" Her student pondered a moment and replied:

"All of them."

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