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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 13, 1997

Endgame: To hand Garry Kasparov his first defeat in a chess series, IBM's Deep Blue uses a technique that goes through 200 positions in one second. "It's known as the Clinton Flip-Flop," says Jenny Church.

* "IBM was so ecstatic when its computer won the match, executives vowed not to lay off anybody this month." (Joe Kevany)

* "Kasparov was presented with the Bob Dornan Graciousness in Defeat award." (Bob Mills)


Around the Country: The famous presidential dog Checkers will be reburied at the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace in Yorba Linda. "The precocious pet was able to respond to commands like 'sit,' 'stay,' 'roll over' and 'eat 18 minutes of tape.' " (Mills)

In Tulsa, Okla., a 90-year-old man graduated from a university. "The amazing thing is, he says he's gonna move back in with his parents, take a couple of years off. Maybe travel, just get his head together." (Jay Leno)

Calling their World Wide Web site Pink Anger, Barbie fans are protesting against Mattel. "President Clinton says he'll cut short his Caribbean trip if the situation grows any worse." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Oxygen bars are in, and three will open in Los Angeles, says Church. "That's good news for the airlines. If loss of cabin pressure makes those little orange masks drop down, they can charge you $4 if you continue to breathe."

A million woman march is being planned. "It'll take a lot less planning than the Million Man March," says the Daily Scoop. "Just one woman says she's going, and the rest will say, 'Good idea. Let's all go.' "


Hollywood Moments: Pamela Anderson Lee defended herself in a lawsuit by saying she rejected a script because it contained too many gratuitous sex scenes. "She said she changed her mind after seeing the script," says Leno. "No one had told her there was a script. She's from 'Baywatch.' They don't have scripts."

* "The producer suing her said it wasn't meant to be a nude scene. . . . It's just that Farrah Fawcett stole her clothes." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

The supporting players in "Seinfeld" recently agreed to a contract that reportedly will raise their salaries to $600,000 per episode--more than $13 million if they do 22 shows next season. "Who do they think they are? Baseball players?" (The Funny Firm)

"The first female Ninja Turtle will join the famous foursome in a new series on the Fox Kids network this fall," says Premiere Morning Sickness. "During a very special episode, Venus DeMilo will fall in love with Laura Dern and finally come out of her shell."

Reader Frances Leigh was trying to explain to her 3-year-old granddaughter, Jessica, that Jessica's dad is her son and he calls her mom. Jessica's reply:

"Not anymore. You are a grandma now."

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