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Laugh Lines

Punch lines

May 14, 1997

Winners and Losers: Australian Susie Maroney became the first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida. "Well, it was either swim or fly Valujet," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* "Maroney, 22, told reporters her biggest obstacles were sharks, jellyfish and Pat Buchanan." (Bob Mills)

* Maroney said she kept replaying Seinfeld episodes in her mind. "When she climbed out of the water after swimming 24 hours, she was mumbling, 'a million dollars per episode. I want a million dollars per episode.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Garry Kasparov is asking for a rematch. He won his first game with computer Deep Blue, but failed to win the next five in a row. "That's why he's been named the official chess player of the Chicago Cubs." (Perisho)

* "So, are computers now smarter than people? No. Computers don't know that rematches are where the big money is." (Daily Scoop)

*

Modern Travel: A Continental Airlines flight landed at an abandoned Navy field four miles from the Corpus Christi, Texas, airport. "Its new motto: 'We get you somewhere on time.' " (Daily Scoop)

* "It's understandable. Texas is so flat, everything looks like an airport." (Stan Kaplan)

*

Dodger Deal: L.A. Dodgers owner Peter O'Malley confirmed he is in negotiations to sell the team to Fox Sports and Rupert Murdoch. "Expected changes if the deal goes through include a new welcome to 'Chavez Ravine, 90210.' " (Alex Pearlstein)

*

Around the Country: Oxygen bars are opening in Los Angeles. "I'm not sure if oxygen bars will work," say Alex Kaseberg. "Folks here are used to their air chunky style."

* "There will be two oxygen flavors for people from New York: Garbage Strike and Subway Musk." (Kaseberg)

The San Jose Mercury News says its report that the CIA helped introduce crack into L.A. was flawed. "The paper alleged the Contras brought in crack and the Feds knew it," says the Daily Scoop. "It's ridiculous. Anyone who'd believe that would believe our government would raise money for the Contras by selling missiles to Iran."

"The White House struck a deal with the Whitewater investigators," says Brian J. Hill. "They will release only the conversations Hillary Clinton had with Eleanor Roosevelt's lawyers."

" 'The Last Don' on CBS destroyed the competition in the ratings," says Pearlstein. "The show is such a hit, CBS renamed it 'The Next to the Next to the Last Don.' "

Reader Catherine Lanzarotta of Santa Monica was negotiating traffic on a busy Southern California freeway and commented that the man in front of her was a "bad driver." This prompted her 6-year-old nephew, Anthony, to ask from the back seat:

"Will he be going to hell?"

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