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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 23, 1997

News From All Over: "Dick Gephardt came out against the balanced budget deal because he says it only helps the rich," says Argus Hamilton. "Paleontologists are thrilled. The very week 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park' is coming out, someone has unearthed a Democrat."

The prosecution has rested in the Timothy McVeigh trial, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Did they prove their case? We don't know, but they did prove that a big trial doesn't have to turn into a media circus."

* The judge barred the defense from a widespread attack on the FBI lab. "Somewhere Lance Ito is saying, 'Gee, a judge can do that?' " (Daily Scoop)

The secretary of the Interior insists that the solution to tourist overcrowding at Yosemite is a new mass transit system. "Sounds like a job for L.A.'s MTA," says Jenny Church. "In no time at all its sinkhole squad could change Yosemite into the Grand Canyon."

"A report says U.S. math classes are easier than those in other countries," says Alan Ray. "However, American schools are far ahead in technology. We have the most sophisticated metal detectors anywhere."


As the World Turns: Susan Lucci was snubbed for the 17th time at the Daytime Emmy Awards. "Mr. Rogers' sweater has won more Emmys than Susan Lucci." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Showing she's not a poor sport, Lucci said, 'It's nice to be nominated, nominated, nominated, nominated. . . .' " (Paul Ecker)

* "She may have lost, but she's been made team mascot of the Chicago Cubs." (Daily Scoop)

* "The good news: In her honor, 'All My Children' is being renamed 'All My Children and the Also-Ran.' " (Bob Mills)

Frank Gifford videotaped. Marv Albert indicted. "What is happening in sports?" says Jay Leno. "You ever think you'd see the day when the best behaved man in all of sports would be George Steinbrenner?"

* "And poor Kathie Lee. You can tell she's trying to avoid this whole subject. Like today she asked reporters if they had any questions about her sweatshops." (Leno)

* "Pretty soon hotels will have to offer sportscaster-free rooms." (Daily Scoop)


Also on the Screen: "This summer there's gonna be yet another 'Free Willy' movie, 'Free Willy 3.' This whale has been captured and released more times than Martin Lawrence." (Leno)

"In 'The X-Files' agent Fox Mulder committed suicide (maybe) in the season finale. Is it a hoax? Is he really dead? How can you tell?" (Daily Scoop)

Reader William A. Nielsen of Oxnard says that recently his 4-year-old granddaughter, Dana, visited from Alaska. One afternoon he was listening to a radio program of music of the '40s and '50s. "Why do you listen to that?" Dana asked. "Because I like the music," he replied. Dana listened for a few seconds.

"That's not music," she said.

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