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LAUGH LINES | Punch Lines

May 26, 1997

In the News: Lt. Kelly Flinn accepted a general discharge from the Air Force, avoiding a court-martial for adultery and possible jail time. "Armed services officials forced her out after she broke one of the Ten Commandments," says Alex Pearlstein. "Thou shalt not do what we do, only what we say."

* "The Air Force wanted to end this mess quicker than the Gulf War." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "We're glad this is over so we can move on to something really important, like Frank and Kathie Lee." (Daily Scoop)

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Around the Country: The U.S. Senate voted down a proposal for a new tax on cigarettes. "Thank goodness," says Argus Hamilton. "If cigarettes get any more expensive, it will make crack cost-effective."

"McDonald's heiress Joan Kroc's $15-million gift to North Dakota flood victims has spawned other philanthropy," says Alan Ray. "Michael Kennedy offered to drive their baby sitters home."

The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. "They've waited weeks for emergency help," says Hamilton. "Never have a natural disaster in a year that doesn't end with an election."

Dodger Stadium peanut vendor Richard Aller was fired for buying two bags of peanuts from another vendor and reselling them at a profit. "Didn't he know that only billionaire owners and millionaire players can profit from the game of baseball?" (Pearlstein)

IBM is considering chess opponents for Deep Blue. "Asked what its plans are, Deep Blue said it's going to http://www.disneyland.com." (Hamilton)

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Weird Facts: "Research has shown that snorers have a three times greater chance of getting into a car accident than the rest of the population," Gary Easley says. "Of course they would after a night on that uncomfortable couch."

* "Scientists say the problem wasn't identifying heavy snorers in the test group. It was getting everybody to fall asleep while driving." (Ray)

The journal Science said female platy fish desire male platy fish who have big tail fins. "So that's why so many guys drive the 1959 Cadillac." (Hamilton)

Ottawa is considering letting women swim topless in municipal pools. "They may be allowed to go topless in Canada, but they won't dare to take off the bottom halves of their parkas." (The Funny Firm)

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Have a Safe Holiday: "Some things you should never say at a militia Memorial Day picnic: 'Check your guns at the door' . . . 'You're a patriot? Sorry about the Super Bowl' . . . 'Wait, do you hear helicopters?' . . . 'We're thinking of naming our first child Reno.' " (Daily Scoop)

Reader Jean Desmond of Rancho Palos Verdes says her granddaughter, a single mother, received an engagement ring from her new fiance. When she showed it to her daughter, Lynlea, the 8-year-old pouted.

"He never gives me such nice presents."

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