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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 27, 1997

Science Solves Major Mystery: A group of Swiss doctors has published a description in the journal Neurology of a new disorder they call "gourmand syndrome." It is a food obsession linked to brain injuries. "That explains the ease with which some people pay $4.25 for a cup of coffee and steamed milk." (Mark Wheeler)

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The Industry: " 'Beowulf,' the most confusing epic in the English language, will soon be a major motion picture," says Bob Harris. "Faced with making a big-budget fantasy out of indecipherable dialogue and an incomprehensible plot, the producers are reportedly trying to hire the entire cast and crew of 'The Fifth Element.' "

" 'The Lost World' has opened. The dinosaurs smash up San Diego," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Haven't seen that much terror and confusion in San Diego since the GOP convention."

* "Talk about leading a charmed Hollywood life. Dinosaur bones lying undisturbed for 90 million years suddenly turn up just two days before Steven Spielberg's premiere." (Bob Mills)

* " 'The Lost World' is very, very scary. The scariest part is halfway through, Spielberg gives us a shot of his bank account." (Daily Scoop)

The Mouseketeers are suing Disney for back royalties. "M-I-C . . . See you in court! K-E-Y . . . Why? Because we want our money, that's why." (Scoop)

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Across the Pond: M15, the British intelligence service, placed an advertisement for spies. "They have a very high turnover," explains the Daily Scoop. "There have been five 007s alone."

Signs of British rule diminish as Hong Kong prepares to revert to Chinese control. "Already one can sense that the British are leaving," says Mills. "The food is better."

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Around the Country: The Florida Highway Patrol's strategy for cutting down on weekend accidents--free pizza. Troopers at safety checkpoints hand out Pizza Hut slices to safe motorists. "Police would like to hand out Domino's pizza as well," says Wheeler, "but their delivery people are just too fast to catch."

Continental's pilots have rejected an offer for a 10% pay increase. "In addition to the raise, they want incentive pay for landing at the right airports." (Paul Steinberg)

"The number of Americans camping has increased to more than 10 million," says Cutler On Line Prep. "Blame it on all that downsizing."

The Indiana Department of Motor Vehicles will open 36 ATM-type self-help machines across the state, says Bill Williams. "Engineers worked years to develop a machine that tells you you are in the wrong line."

Reader Deedee Messana overheard a conversation after lights out between her two sons in their bedroom: Adam, 8, asked "When will I ever get a girlfriend?" Ten-year-old Alex replied,

"Well, I have a girlfriend. I like her, but she hates me."

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