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Laught Lines

Punch Lines

May 28, 1997

At Indy: "Ladies and gentlemen, open your umbrellas." (Paul Ecker)

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Politics as Usual: "Debate is raging on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case," says Argus Hamilton. "Most lawmakers think the military code is too strict. Of course, most lawmakers think the Sixth Commandment says, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.' "

According to a new Field Poll, Sonny Bono is the most popular choice to challenge Barbara Boxer for the U.S. Senate, says Gary Easley. "It's either keep him in office, or he returns to TV."

* "But one has to question his campaign slogan--'I've Got You, Babe.' " (Earl Hochman)

" 'Operation Badfellas,' an 18-month sting, netted 20 guards and Luchese family members who were given the run of the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, ordering in Italian food and smuggling in contraband," says Bob Mills. "Investigators suspected rules were being bent when John Gotti appeared as a contestant on 'Jeopardy.' "

* "Jail visitors were being offered a choice between regular and valet parking." (Mills)

San Francisco is trademarking the expression "Summer of Love," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Come on people, now, pile on each other. Everybody get a lawyer. Try to sue one another right now."

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Business Beat: Steven Spielberg's dinosaur spectacular "The Lost World" opened to an all-time box office record, drawing $90.1 million for the Memorial Day weekend, says Mark Wheeler. "In Hollywood-speak, that's almost a Disney compensation package weekend."

* "The movie is like 'Jurassic Park,' only without the rich character development." (Daily Scoop)

Coffee prices have soared as bean supplies dwindle. "You have three choices now," says Mills, "regular, decaf and investment grade."

* "It used to be you could pay your Starbucks check with cash or a credit card. Now they want the pink slip to your car." (Jerry Perisho)

"Tobacco companies have pledged to curb underage smoking," says Alan Ray. "This will immediately affect some marketing plans. For example, Marlboro's 'Summer of Barney Tour' has been put on hold."

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History Corner: It was 212 years ago this week that Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals. "Before him, people had to forget where they put two pairs of glasses." (Steve Voldseth)

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Overheard Over Memorial Day Weekend: "I don't know where Lt. Flinn went off to. Last time I saw her she was talking to your husband." . . . "I beat Tiger Woods! I beat Tiger Woods!" (Daily Scoop)

Reader Lee Roter says her 7-year-old grandson was visiting the Crystal Cathedral for the first time. He kept looking up at the ceiling and said to his mother:

"This place is a lot bigger than Home Depot."

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