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Laugh Lines | Punch Lines

May 30, 1997

A Thought for Today: "Frank Gifford with a flight attendant, Michael Kennedy with a sitter, Dick Morris with a hooker. The legacy of the administration is taking shape. The Clinton Memorial will be a statue called Hefner's last stand." (Argus Hamilton)

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Camel in Doghouse: The Federal Trade Commission is moving to outlaw Joe Camel, charging R.J. Reynolds is illegally inducing children to smoke. "Impressed by his track record with kids, Joe's already fielding offers from the Cali Cartel," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* "The FTC cited RJR internal documents showing that 86% of children 10 to 17 recognize Joe Camel. What's worse is that only 20% recognized any of their teachers." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "In a footnote, the commission also ruled that Barney the dinosaur was designed to infuriate adults," says Bob Mills.

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Military Matters: At the president's meeting in France about NATO, Boris Yeltsin said he is removing all the nuclear warheads aimed at the U.S. "This is big news for the U.S., but bad news for Tom Clancy." (Bill Maher)

"The Pentagon says three military bases in Kansas should stay open. But that Navy port has gotta go." (Daily Scoop)

"What do you call an Army drill sergeant who reenlists? A repeat offender." (Alan Ray)

"A USA Today / CNN poll found 53% of the public disapproved of the way the Air Force handled the Kelly Flinn case," says the Daily Scoop. "Going up against Iraqis is one thing. Going up against '60 Minutes' is another."

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In the News: "In Europe, people waited on the president differently," says Ray. "President Clinton wasn't served one subpoena when he was abroad."

Child actor Jake Lloyd has landed the role of the young Darth Vader in the "Star Wars" prequel. "We can't wait to see the scene where he's lured over to the dark side of the sandbox." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Coffee prices are at a 20-year-high, says Alex Pearlstein. "It's all clear to me now. I wondered why Anna-Nicole Smith was cozying up to Juan Valdez like that."

"Clinton looked thinner when he arrived home on Air Force One," says Hamilton. "Ever since the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Paula Jones, he has to weigh his options every two hours."

Reader Chris Majeska and his family were in a restaurant with his 5-year-old nephew, Wilbert, who was wearing a "Ghostbusters" T-shirt, sneakers and mismatched socks. Seated nearby was another little boy in a navy blue blazer, white shirt and white duck pants. Wilbert checked him out and said:

"His mommy probably dresses him."

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