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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

June 03, 1997

Dodger Blue Department: Wilton Guerrero was ejected from a game for using an illegal corked bat; by leaving the game early, he officially became a Dodger fan. (Paul Ecker)

* The temptation to try the doctored bat was apparently too great. There are a few thousand unused corks lying around the stadium from canceled victory celebrations. (Alex Pearlstein)

More Sports Allusions: "Vice President Al Gore said we have a Tiger Woods economy. If so, we also have a Frank Gifford military commanded by a Rodney Dangerfield president." (Argus Hamilton)

*

Mayor Richard Riordan announced a goal of creating 15 new media academies to teach digital arts. Maybe, says Jenny Church, they can figure out how to make the mayor look animated.

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"The price of coffee continues to rise. Just to give you an idea how much it's risen, now, if you spill a cup of hot coffee in your lap at McDonald's, you have to pay them $3 million." (Steve Voldseth)

*

The pope and Michael Jackson both visit Poland. The pope warned the country about a moral crisis facing the nation's youth. "A Michael Jackson theme park makes him very nervous." (Alan Ray)

* The rock star canceled plans to purchase a home in Poland. "He just learned that all the pictures of himself he thought were being posted by admiring fans were actually being put up by police in accordance with Poland's new Megan's law," says Greg Gilmore.

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President Clinton addressed graduating cadets at West Point. Some veterans said he had no business talking to future military leaders. But Brian J. Hill disagrees: "If there's anyone who knows about fighting sexual harassment suits, it's Clinton."

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A judge awarded $47,000 in back pay to a housekeeper. The last time a housekeeper made this type of money, Rosa Lopez was able to fly home first class after giving her testimony. (Ecker)

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An ABC poll shows that most Americans favor prescription pot, as long as it has medicinal values. "And, as long as the doctor also prescribes something for the munchies." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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More on those fossils found in a Spanish cave that show humans arriving in Europe 300,000 years earlier than previously believed: The finding kind of makes Stonehenge look contemporary. (Joe Kevany)

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Brian Sheets was driving his 10-year-old nephew, Justin, to Corona del Mar for a school tide-pool outing. As they crested the street leading to the beach, they caught a postcard view of the ocean. Framed by trees and beautiful houses,the road seemed to extend right into the water. Upon seeing this, Nintendo-loving Justin exclaimed:

"Cool graphics!"

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