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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 05, 1997

Our Beleaguered President: A military spokesman announced that Air Force One was forced to change course during the president's flight to Europe last week. An anti-collision system warned of another aircraft in the vicinity. Although, says Alex Pearlstein, when has President Clinton ever needed an excuse to change course?

* "The White House said expenses for President Clinton's knee injury have topped $7,000. That sounds like a lot initially, but that's not much is it? What's Paula Jones asking for? $700,000? I mean compared to what other parts of Clinton's body are costing him, that's hardly anything." (Jay Leno)

* Also from Leno: "It seems the socialists have won control of the French National Assembly. It's amazing when you look at what's happening in the world. A moderate has won as president of Iran. A liberal is now the prime minister of England. Do you realize the only real conservative we have left in the world is Bill Clinton?"

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Retired Gen. Colin Powell is leading all GOP candidates in the polls. "You know, he was in the military for 35 years without one charge of sexual harassment or adultery. These days, that is some war record." (Argus Hamilton)

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Consumer Alert: GM is recalling its new Cadillacs. The good news is that they all have those sophisticated navigational systems so GM can find them. (Paul Steinberg)

* An L.A. woman sued Harrod's department store in London, reports Hamilton, for making her leave the store because she's overweight. She wants an apology, $100,000 and an afternoon talk show.

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Kmart announced that it will not display and sell current copies of the Globe because the tabloid has "crossed the line" in its reporting. Jerry Perisho wonders: "Isn't it strange that a store selling bright green polyester stretch pants in the full-figured women's section thinks that the Globe exhibits bad taste?"

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Entertainment division: "Friends" star Matthew Perry has checked into a drug rehab center. "Here we go," says Alex Kaseberg. "Next he will want to direct, then he will quit to do movies, then he will return to his first love, the stage, and finally a brief mention in the People magazine 'Where are they now?' issue."

* Jeff Goldblum told an interviewer that he does not do blockbuster movies for the money. He does them to make people forget about "Tenspeed and Brownshoe." (Gary Easley)

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Reader Deborah Kasmisher says her 4-year-old mischievous son, Eliyahu, found the candy stash early one day and ate up, of course. When she told him, "You know the rules, no eating candies in the morning," he very seriously replied:

"I ate the rules."

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