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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 11, 1997

It's the Economy, Stupid: Economists are predicting a rosy long-term future for the U.S. They're so optimistic, in fact, they predict panhandlers will soon be asking, "Brother, can you spare a T-bill." (Paul Ecker)

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Sex and Scandal (Part 467): "The military does seem to be taking it in stride. In fact, today the Pentagon released their new camouflaged uniforms. They're blue and red so you can blend in with a Motel 6 sign and not get caught." (Jay Leno)

* Air Force Gen. Joseph Ralston tossed in the towel on his Joint Chiefs nomination. All is not lost, though. Says Bob Mills, "He immediately accepted a post as President Clinton's appointments secretary."

* Lawyers for Paula Jones say that if necessary they are prepared to bring up President Clinton's sexual history. "I hope she's not paying them by the hour." (Steve Voldseth)

* Meantime, Mother Teresa was in Washington to get the Congressional gold medal. She should stay in town. With her background, she is the only person currently qualified to head the Joint Chiefs. (Argus Hamilton)

* And, Joe Kennedy apologized for his brother's affair with an underage baby sitter. What would his dad, Bobby, have said, wonders Hamilton: "In the eloquent Kennedy tradition, he would've said that some men see a 14-year-old girl sitting on the couch and say, 'Why?' Others see the same thing and say, 'Why not?' "

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The FBI said it's certain the Olympic bombing in Atlanta is linked to two other local bombings. Unless, of course, if it turns out it isn't linked. (Alex Kaseberg)

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Hoops, Not Dreams: Dennis Rodman took off for Las Vegas after his Bulls lost to the Jazz. The Bulls are worried. If he gets that job with Siegfried and Roy, he may not be back for Game 5. (Hamilton)

* In Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Michael Jordan missed his last three shots and had the ball stripped by John Stockton. "Better Jordan being stripped than Dennis Rodman for a change." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Growing Pains: "This is National Men's Health Week. They're recommending that all men over 50 celebrate by getting a prostate exam. I was thinking about that. That's about the baby boomer age. That's gotta be tough on them. Twenty-five years ago, you were giving the finger to the establishment. Now the establishment is giving the finger to you." (Leno)

Reader Gladys Sturman reports: Three-year-old Moshe Todrus Rabi had just gotten a new pair of shoes of which he was very proud. He held out his left foot to show off the new shoes to his older brother Shmuel. Shmuel was unimpressed and began to run off when Moshe held up his right shoe as well and shouted:

"Wait! There's another one!"

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